Riker has a heart and mind big enough to love all the women

This has nothing to do with the title, it's just something The General said and it made me laugh. Mostly because it is true.

However.

The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players are doing an advert for MTV 2006 shows. I can think of at least 78 things wrong with that but won't list them all here. You may all try and guess what I came up with if you so wish.

However, it did remind me how awesome Papa Trachtenburg's moustache is. There's something postive to be found in everything.

Its a new day, a new dawn, its a New Year and... its all pretty much the same as the last year actually

I've finally decided on my new years resolution!

Cue trumpet:

*PAH PA PAH PA PA PAH PAH PAH PARRRR*

and a drum roll please:

*DOOM DOOM BAH BA BAH BA DOOM DOOM DOOM BAH BA BOOM tish*

For 2006 Lady Sazz resolves not to let anyone out pop-culture reference her.

The way this will work is if someone makes an esoteric reference then I will counter with an interesting tidbit about whatever they have referenced. Actually, thinking about it, I might well lose friends and irritate people with this particular resolution as it's going to make me come across as arrogant and annoying but I needed something that wasn't too difficult to achieve yet I still had the possibility of failing at. Therefore, even if I end up lonely and bitter it will have been worth it.

I had the best new years eve! I saw a Rolling Stones tribute act and I cannot stress enough how spigging good they were. It has also given me a reason to be doing my Mick Jagger voice, much to the chagrin of my family:

Me: 'How all you cats dooo-ing? Ready to hear some rock n roll chooones?'

Family: 'Stop it. For the love of God. Please stop it'

Although, to be fair, thats something they say when I'm around quite often anyway. Need I remind regular viewers of the fact that people I live with for more than a week oftentimes end up trying to mute me with tv remote controls?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this before but Kate's mum in Lost is freakin Aunt Zelda!!! How spiggin awesome is that?

For 2006 my newest crush is David Krumholtz from Numb3rs (I even watched The Santa Clause 2 the other day because he's in it - it must be love) and I havent thought about her in a while but I saw a picture recently that reminded me of why I love Lindsey Lohan... and now I can't find it ANYWHERE. DAMN YOU INTERNET!

The most exciting thing about 2006...

... is that its only 9 years until the hoverboard is invented. Can't wait!

I've been practising hard today for the impending dance off between me, Farr and Wah on New Year's Eve. My Mick Jagger-by-way-of-Vince-Noir impersination is going ok but I'm still a little rusty on the old 'Robot from 1984' move. I'll keep everyone posted of the dance-off results but feel quietly confident that I'm in with a chance of scooping the 'Dance Champion of 2005' title. Wish me luck!

Christmas is over.. let the diets begin

Before I go any further, heres a tip for you all:

If you have to get up for work at 7.45am and want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (I assume this tip will mostly apply to squirrels) then its best not to stay up playing Spyro the Dragon 2 on your ancient Playstation till 3am in an attempt to recapture your lost youth. If you decide to ignore this handy tip then it may (i.e. will) lead to bouts of grumpiness and irritability.

Ladysazz: Doing the nerdy things so you dont have to!

So.. I'm no closer to deciding what my resolutions should be. I quite like Emma's idea of resolving to help people with their resolutions - except people rarely want my help when they realise what a shambles my life is.

I'm considering pinching Nic's idea of resolving to 'live the dream' cos thats what it's all about isnt it? But blatent plagerism isn't really my thang unless people don't know about it. Then it's ok.

Therefore I'm veering towards something under the umbrella of 'doing the things I've always wanted to do and never done' which would include:

- go to see a play/the ballet/the opera.

Mostly so I can arrange an appropriate outfit for each occasion. Chloe espeically knows how me likes to arrange outfits (e.g. the infamous 'look' on the way to Amsterdam where I wore my 'struggling actor on the way to an audition for a part in the chorus line of Oliver' outfit, or the 'prom queen who escapes out the toilet window to go smoke and make out with her biker boyfriend Chad' outfit that I wore to Lisa's birthday party a couple years back).

- Learn to play the drums

The AWESOME drumsticks-that-make-their-own-noises that I got for Christmas have made the World's Greatest Air Drummer 2002/2003/2004/2005 (self-proclaimed) want to become the Worlds Greatest REAL LIVE DRUMSET Drummer. Could 2006 be the year that I 'light up the sky like a flame' (as Irene Cara once sang) with my drumming talents?

- Write a sitcom

Sort of been doing this since the summer but then got distracted by something shiny and forgot about it. All the plotlines and characters are walking around in my head but I think I need a writing partner (applicants can apply to the usual address with an SAE) to really get this done as I have no self-motivation

Side Note: It took me until I was 15 to realise that a SAE was a Stamped Addressed Envelope. I never entered any of the competitions on Going Live or Live and Kicking or The Broom Cupboard cos I thought there was some badge of cool known as a SAE that everyone knew about except me. I also spelt 'cheddar' as 'chedder' until I was 21.

While I mull this over I'm going to review 2005:

BEST...

• ... Idea = Starting a blog! I love it!
• ... Band = Gah... thats a toughy.. I'll say... Maximo Park
• ... Purchase = Geek Chic Glasses. Ones that actually fit and are sturdy and don't break! Yay.
• ... Present = Sabrina the Teenage Witch magnet set (as courtesy of Chloe)
• ... Gig = I havent been to as nearly many gigs as I would like to have done this year but I'll say The Kooks at Southampton Uni
• ... Website discovered = For stalking potential www.myspace.com (go to www.myspace.com/ladysazzland to see David Cassidy pics) / For new music fun www.pitchforkmedia.com
• ... Place = San Francisco
• ... TV Show = The Gilmore Girls (all my family are unnaturally obsessed)
• ... Lesson Learned = If a guy isn't that bothered about you, you shouldnt bother about him. Thanks Rich!

WORST...

• ... Idea = Hmm... I don't really want to say but I will say it involved a man, lots of alcohol and then having to learn some pretty nifty avoidance techniques in the weeks after. I've said too much.
• ... Band = Not a 'band' per se but James 'Rhymes with Blunt' wassisface made me want to shoot myself in the head. Also Black Eyed Peas for 'the song I will not name': simultaeously managing to create the most infuriatingly catchy yet unlistenable song in the world would be bad enough without putting the feminist movement back by around 30 years.
• ... Purchase = Weighing scales. I turned into one of those weigh-before-and-after-every-meal-morning-noon-and-night types and drove myself mental. Especially as I don't think they were very accurate (well, I don't know many people that can put on a stone in a day and lose it by the following morning). Luckily, every obsession I have doesnt last for long.
• ... Present = A gold watch. I know I shouldn't be ungrateful but a GOLD watch. I have never worn gold jewellry in MY ENTIRE LIFE nor can I read analogue time. What am I going to do with a GOLD WATCH?!
• ... Gig = Some dreadful amater 'goth' outfit in a pub somewhere. It was that good I can neither remember the name of the band nor the place I saw them.
• ... Place = Fareham. Also Known As 'The Dullest Place on Earth'
• ... TV Show = Big Brother. I didn't even start watching it to be honest but from what I saw on other tv shows/heard about/was forced to discuss they were ALL horrible horrrible people. Reality TV is dead. Bring on proper TV like John Simm as a time travelling detective and the new new Doctor Who (who I think slightly - ever so slightly - resembles The Hammond. Wilt.)
• ... Lesson Learned = Well, I don't think you can have a bad 'lesson learned' as every mistake is useful so... maybe just forget I said anything.

THE FUTURE

So what's it going to be like in 2006? Well I feel fairly confident to inform you (not being an official prophet but blessed with 'the gift') that we are all going to live in space. The space world we inhabit will have tubes that you are able travel to any part of the space kingdom through. Everyone will have a robot maid. Everyone will have a family comprising of a Dad, Mum, and two children - an eldest daughter who is obviously very slutty and a younger son who is nerdy and will probably grow up to be a homosexual. No-one in said family unit will discuss this. The Dad will work at a large factory/company probably called something like Spacely's Sprokets and will have an embarrassing misunderstanding that leads to hilarious consequences with his boss every week. The Mum will stay at home to 'look after the kids'. Everything will be done by robots and/or the touch of a button. The world in 2006 will, in many ways, resemble early-1960's America (pre-sexual revolution) including the politics and social hierachies. I know this becasue I saw it all in a dream. I may or may not have been watching The Jetsons before I had that dream but this is neither here nor there.

What I'm most excited about is that its only 9 years till the hoverboard is invented! Yay!

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*EDIT*

Best Present(s): Present = Sabrina the Teenage Witch magnet set (as courtesy of Chloe) and AN AWESOMLY AWESOMAZING PINK McFly clock. God bless Ebay.

Dont make any loud noises. Kirk is a fear biter.

Dear Lord (literally I suppose) its nearly Christmas. Went to get remaining presents last Saturday. I hate people. People in my way and not giving me the respect I so clearly deserve. DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM? Was patronised by shop assistants in Topshop. Gah. Sorry I didnt whip out my NUS card quickly enough. Gah. Although I mysteriously ended up spending 2/3's of the bill total on things for me. Happy Christmas Me! Screw the rest of my friends and family!

My brothers was home for 3 hours 46 mins before killing the beloved sandwich toaster. It seems living in the delightful area of Moss Side in Manchester has lead to enjoying in the sort of mindless destruction that kids these days are so famous for. Now, I'm not going to dwell on this too much but just in case you want to not have a broken sandwich toaster here's some tips to ensure it stays intact:

1. Don't cut two slices of bread 1" thick a piece

2. Don't use brute force to close the sandwich toaster lid thereby breaking off the handle

They probably should print out instructions of this type onto the sandwich toaster itself. It's hard enough deciding what delicious toastie filling you want let alone remembering not to break the machine!

Now theres been a lot of heresay, nay conjecture about what my resolution will be for 2006. Lest we forget what past resolutions have yielded heres a brief overview...

2003 = Earn as many cool points as Fonzy

Result = Without checking the official 2003 records I believed I scored a total of 79 cool points which is classed as a fail as Fonzy has the ultimate perfect 100 points which can never be exceeded so even if you earn in excess of 100 points they are as useless as a burberry cap in the world of cool (as people who follow the cool points system know only too well).

For those who are interested, the stats break down as thus:

Total Number of Cool Points Earned = 721

Total Number of Cool Points Lost = 642

Most cool points earned in one go = 23 for coming up with the alias 'Cherry Datsun' of imaginary band 'The Triumphs'.

Most cool points lost in one go = 56 for laughing at a video of someone falling over on You've Been Framed.

If anyone has more questions about cool points please write a letter to your local palimentary representative. They should be able to answer any pressing queries you may have.

2004 = Attempt to 'turn' Will Young.

Result = Fail

However, probably about as achievable as resolving to get fit/lose weight/stop being an arse that most people go for.

2005 = Be classier. When in awkward social situations ask myself 'What Would Audrey [Hepburn] do?'

Result = Pass (with honours)

Well my name is 'lady' Sazz. That probably wasn't the hardest of resolutions to stick to. However, certain sub-resolutions to achieve said classiness such as 'wear matching bra and pants at all times' was a fail (who the hell was I kidding) and 'not drink to puking standards' was a general pass although there was an incident involving The Ford, 3 bottles of wine, a door and a plastic bag that I may erase from the official 2005 records.

But what will I decide for 2006? I mean there is a certain level of perfection associated with being me. It's difficult coming up with an area of myself that needs any sort of improvement. Maybe the resolution for 2006 should be to fuck myself up as much as possible in order to have something to work on for 2007? Although that seems somewhat self-defeating in many ways. Hmm... back to the drawing board! as my mama used to say. But then, she's an architect so that made sense. I dont even OWN a drawing board to go back to.

None of that last paragraph is true. Even the bit about owning a drawing board. I had one for art school, still around here somewhere.

I was what Willis was talkin' 'bout

Nothing says 'Christmas' like a 2.5m high inflatable Sata Claus does it?

The World: Yes. Lots of things

Me: Like what? I challenge you world to find something more christmassy than a 2.5m inflatable Santa

The World: '...'

Me: HAHA! I WIN AGAIN!

Although the only person/entity that could really settle this argument is God and/or Jesus and they've not been that chatty in the last 2000 or so years have they? Time was when it was all God smiting this and that and getting people to stop worshipping graven images. Now - not so much. Although I think if Bruce Almighty taught us nothing else it's that it aint easy being God brother. I added the 'brother' bit in myself. Although, I'm not just talking to my brother there. I'm referring to all of you. It also taught us that Jim Carrey probably thinks of himself as 'zany'. However, you could probably have learned the same thing from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Now THAT is a great movie.

My dog smells of wotsits and has grown a beard that makes her look like a catfish. Is that normal?

Space is like Chessington World of Adventures times 10,000!

This comment comes courtesy of one of the contestants on Channel 4's televisual show; 'Space Cadets'. Now, there's making a bold claim and there's making a bold claim. Having spent a FULL DAY at Chessington World of Adventures, aged 14, on a school trip, I think that this claim is a little too bold. Even for me.