Tip: Save time by hitting the return key instead of clicking on "search". WTF?! WHO doesn't already know that Google? Jeez!

The trouble with Children In Need - and any of these telethons - is that you have to sit through literally HOURS of literal shit to get to the stuff that holds any interest (for instance, Doctor Who specials and whatnot). Then, cos you have an extremely short attention span for people saying 'give me money' yaddayaddayadda 'Mosely Bridge Players raised £13.28' blah blah blah, you lose the will to carry on watching and give up during minute 6 of the show opening. Even with the Woganator presenting.

Now, I know it's all very worthy, etc, and so on, but JEEZ - can't they put all the bits people want to see on BBC1 and then have all the boring stoufe on one of the digital channels? Theres a BAZILLION different channels now. In fact the bizarro world-Me would love to watch Mary talking about how hard her life is and wacky Tim talking about how he raised £37.56 playing badmington in a Pudsey suit for 12 days straight while drinking sparkling mineral water, eating celery and gazing at her singed photo of Chris Moyles. Ahh Bizarro World Me - you are crazy!

I guess all I'm saying is: I don't like boring things. Is that so wrong? Don't answer that. It was rhetorical which in layman's terms means: I don't care what you think. Anyhoo, I was quite pleased with myself this week. My supervisor was off sick so I had to be all grown up and handle things ON MY OWN and managed to resist the very powerful urge to spend my days curled up on the floor in a little ball rocking gently backward and forward and laughing quietly, but manically, to myself when the pressure got too much. This, for me, is the sort of thing I call an achievement. My other main work-based achievement was to persuade my boss to start calling me 'Bunny' (as in the infamous 'Bunny Diamond P.I). We decided that, although someone with the nickname Bunny is unlikely to be taken seriously as a high-powered young go-getter; on the flip side you could never, in good conscience, yell at someone called Bunny so if anything goes wrong I'll be put in front of the firing line in the hope I'm too darn cute to get in trouble. Actually.. on second thoughts... I'm not sure if I'm getting the best deal out of this.

I love the new Old El Paso adverts. Have you seen them. The twunty dude is cooking for his girlfriends family and in each instance *sniggers*... he makes a right ol' cock of himself!! But everyone's happy cos he's cooked!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *wipes tear* *thinks about the adverts again* BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *makes little 'winding down after laughing loads' sigh*. *sniffs*. *feels embarrassed*.

I honestly do find them funny. Thats the worst thing. Whenever I hear a (admittedly vaguely racist) Mexican impersonation I can't help cracking up. It's just like all those Orange adverts at the cinema about, you know, turning off your mobiles so as not to ruin the film while at the same time advertising the latest and greatest deals from a phone company (DO YOU SEE ALANIS MORRISETTE?!?!?! THATS IRONY!!! NOT SHITE ABOUT TOO MANY SPOONS AND NO KNIFES!! Actually is it? Hang on... Irony is where the actual reality is opposite from the literal reality. I don't think that is irony. Never mind. Irony is confusing.) and you sort of know its wrong to find it funny but you can't help smirking anyway and then someone genuinely DOES laugh and you hate them because they've obviously got a rubbish sense of humour? Yeah, well, thats never happened to me! Hell no. But I've heard about it happening to a friend of a friend and.. yes.. well... *cough*

Ooh Don't Look Now is on. Donald's got a cracking moustache in this. What other films can I watch with moustaches (barring 70's porn)? I would quite like to throw a snazzy moustache-themed movie night. This may turn out to be an obsession to rival my Lindsey Lohan crush and my Joe Mangel worship. Only time will tell.

Note to self, RE: Being the Fonz. Mark - You are NOT the Fonz

So, moustaches appear to be back in fashion. When did that happen? I must have missed that memo - I'm sure I would have remembered something like that as I would have gotten together a little parade of some sort or at least punched the air and yelled 'Yes!' as a character from an American advertisment for Ritallin might.

It's like the world is full of variously different shaped Magnum P.I's. Which can only be a good thing. The Selleck was probably one of my first genuine crushes. I'm sure every 8-year-old girl has had a love affair with a moustachioed rebel who wears Hawaiian shirts and likes to annoy English man-servents. Actually, if they did then those 'moustachioed rebels' would be in prison but you know what I mean. I hope.

Of course my fictious alias Bunny Diamond P.I. had a, well... some may say flirtatious relationship with 'The Magnum'. They were in fierce competition but, as many of you will know, there's a fine line between love and hate. She couldn't resist his car, he couldn't resist her high-waisted flared trousers. Of course this never happened in anywhere except my head. My head rocks - cheaper than a tv and with slightly better sound quality. Yay head!

I've updated my picture - I had to as I was starting to get a rep as the 'wacky hat' girl. Now... I did have a hat theory which i guess is now 'hat fact' about how if I started wearing an interesting hat people would start to know me as 'the girl who wears that weird hat' and then I would be famous throughout the land.The theory doesn't just apply to hats tho - oh no! Examples of people who are known for their odd characteristics in my town include: the woman with the awful curly fake blond hair that works in t'local shopping centre, or the white guy with the afro who is always at gigs, or the 'flip-flop gang' who always wear flip-flops no matter what the weather. The theory states that you will become more famous and popular and that it saves time on developing an actual personality. Why not try it yourself as Neil Buchanan might say. He's the one out of Art Attack innit?

I want to marry Jon Stewart

I had all of four trick or treaters. The first ding dong got me all in a tizzy as I happened to be rocking the 'bag-lady-chic' look as it was washday. When I say 'washday' I mean I had no clean clothes - water and Persil didn't really enter the equation to be honest.

I made the classic 'who could it be at this time of night?!' sigh, complete with raised eyebrow and tutting sounds. After a brief panic over my attire and unkempt hair giving the impression that I am a crazy I tentatively opened the door to what appeared to be a seven year old child in a completely black, faceless outfit (although, it could have been one of them sneaky oompa-loompa's *shivers with fear*).

Children that age frighten me anyway due to the fact that they always seem to have sticky jam hands. I never remember eating that much jam as a child so why do kids today always have jam hands? Maybe I should write a letter to the government:

'Dear Tone

I like salty food. Especially anchovies which sometimes I eat straight out of tin - Fry from Futurama style - as I love them so much. Actually I might go have some now I've made myself hungry... hang on a tick....

I'm back. Anyway, stop having a go about the salt in my diet! Jesus.

Also.. while I'm here, why do kids today always have sticky jam hands? Maybe a advertisement campaign to stamp that out would be a better way of spending my hard earned tax pounds? Just a suggestion.

Lots of love AND kisses OMGZ!!!!!one!!!eleven!!!

Your pal

Sazz

xxxxxx'

And if I write it in green crayon (so that it stands out, obviously) - how can he fail to take that seriously?

Anyway, add the jammy hands to a faceless figure and it really did creep me out. Although, not as much as pigeons do.

Shortly after, a group of three teenagers - two wearing bin bags and one holding a bit of tree in front of his face arrived at the door. I asked what inspired their outfits but they just laughed. I assume this meant 'we are dressed as a bunch of twats on drugs at a festival might be'. That was the general impression they were giving off and I'm quite fluent in teenager anyway having spent a year working at a secondary school. I then commented on the fact that it must have taken them ages to get ready. 'No I found this by the road' said tree boy. Sigh. I thought teens only communicated via sarcasm?

My dog hates me. She doesn't like that my room has no carpet so obviously I must be punished. This punishment is mostly taking the form of doleful looks but I assume she's just biding her time before unleashing her wrath fully. She unleashed a little wrath by puking up her dinner last night. I don't do well with sick. She knows this. This means war.

To recap:

I hate children's jam hands, oompa-loompas, Tony Blair trying to make me cut down on salt, pigeons (this may have been established in a previous post), teenagers who have no concept of sarcasm, my dog's wrath.

Ahh hate and unfounded fear - where would I be without you?