I want to marry Jon Stewart

I had all of four trick or treaters. The first ding dong got me all in a tizzy as I happened to be rocking the 'bag-lady-chic' look as it was washday. When I say 'washday' I mean I had no clean clothes - water and Persil didn't really enter the equation to be honest.

I made the classic 'who could it be at this time of night?!' sigh, complete with raised eyebrow and tutting sounds. After a brief panic over my attire and unkempt hair giving the impression that I am a crazy I tentatively opened the door to what appeared to be a seven year old child in a completely black, faceless outfit (although, it could have been one of them sneaky oompa-loompa's *shivers with fear*).

Children that age frighten me anyway due to the fact that they always seem to have sticky jam hands. I never remember eating that much jam as a child so why do kids today always have jam hands? Maybe I should write a letter to the government:

'Dear Tone

I like salty food. Especially anchovies which sometimes I eat straight out of tin - Fry from Futurama style - as I love them so much. Actually I might go have some now I've made myself hungry... hang on a tick....

I'm back. Anyway, stop having a go about the salt in my diet! Jesus.

Also.. while I'm here, why do kids today always have sticky jam hands? Maybe a advertisement campaign to stamp that out would be a better way of spending my hard earned tax pounds? Just a suggestion.

Lots of love AND kisses OMGZ!!!!!one!!!eleven!!!

Your pal

Sazz

xxxxxx'

And if I write it in green crayon (so that it stands out, obviously) - how can he fail to take that seriously?

Anyway, add the jammy hands to a faceless figure and it really did creep me out. Although, not as much as pigeons do.

Shortly after, a group of three teenagers - two wearing bin bags and one holding a bit of tree in front of his face arrived at the door. I asked what inspired their outfits but they just laughed. I assume this meant 'we are dressed as a bunch of twats on drugs at a festival might be'. That was the general impression they were giving off and I'm quite fluent in teenager anyway having spent a year working at a secondary school. I then commented on the fact that it must have taken them ages to get ready. 'No I found this by the road' said tree boy. Sigh. I thought teens only communicated via sarcasm?

My dog hates me. She doesn't like that my room has no carpet so obviously I must be punished. This punishment is mostly taking the form of doleful looks but I assume she's just biding her time before unleashing her wrath fully. She unleashed a little wrath by puking up her dinner last night. I don't do well with sick. She knows this. This means war.

To recap:

I hate children's jam hands, oompa-loompas, Tony Blair trying to make me cut down on salt, pigeons (this may have been established in a previous post), teenagers who have no concept of sarcasm, my dog's wrath.

Ahh hate and unfounded fear - where would I be without you?