Illness does not become me

Let me preface this by saying that:
1) I'm a hypochrondriac
2) Everyone knows that hypochrondriacs never get ill

With that out of the way comes my first question:
How did I end up getting ill?

And by 'ill' I don't mean 'oooh I feel a bit peaky this morning, best stay in bed and watch This Morning'.

I mean I havent eaten anything for three days because just the thought of standing up for longer than it takes a kettle to boil (I may be ill but I still need tea) makes me feel exhausted. But also I'm just not hungry anyways. This isn't a problem I've encountered in a while as I normally lose my appetite in connection to the male of the species (either due to being lovesick or heartbroken) and the male of the species haven't exactly been bothering me lately*.

I mean I've slept pretty much non stop for the last 72 hours. And therefore missed TWO consecutive days of seeing my lecturer crush. Trust me, when it comes to crush days ('Crush days: The best days of all the days') it would normally take a Biblical flood to keep me away.

I mean I've been unable to watch The Wire (The motherfucking Wire man! I love that shit dawg!) because it requires some degree of concentration. (Unlike every other television programe on channels one through four. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. I knew I'd been spoiled what with all the downloading and the skyplusing and the DVD boxsets. But... I just... I didn't realise how bad it had got in normal telly land. But there's the rub: Has it always been this bad or has all the well-written, subtley acted, emotional engaging tv that I've almost exclusively been exposed to for MONTHS now (minus the intentionally trashy so-bad-it's-good shows like ANTM and Come Dine With Me) changed my perceptions irrevocably? For now, for ever, and for always?**)

I haven't even been able to put pen to paper to plan my radio shows this week. Even with my laziness gene managing to make a mockery of a sham of all the tasks on my to do list EVERY SINGLE DAY, I actively enjoy doing that (my procrastination superskills only kick in on things I don't particularly want to do. Like essays. And everything I'm being made to do for the sake of it rather than the love of it. Which is everything.)

But now, as it approaches 2 o' clock in the morning... I feel a little better. I even feel a little hungry. My voice is sounding slightly less Marge Simpson-y with each passing minute. All things we can safely store under the 'yay' column. However, I don't feel TIRED. I've never felt more awake. I guess sleeping for 72 hours will tend to have that effect on a person.

* This is something I've been meaning to talk to y'all about. I've had a couple guys ask me out recently (definition of 'recently'? Within living memory) And both times THEY have asked me out. Both times I have said yes. Both times a time and date have been agreed upon by both parties. BOTH times nothing has come of it. To coin a phrase: wat up wid dat? Seriously?
**And this from the girl that used to obsessively watch Doctors.

Things that improve my life by (approximately) 78%

1. Curly straws
2. Drinks umbrellas
3. Stories that start 'You know when you have an awkward amount of cereal left?' and end 'so I had to graze at it like a horse'.
4. Never having to do statistics again in my life AS I GOT MY BLOODY DISSERTATION DONE INNIT. (How to celebrate? Pizza, beer, tidying up my room. Rock on)
5. When my mum ends phone conversations with the phrase 'rock on'

Women want me, fish fear me

So said a bumper sticker I saw on the back of a van whilst wandering into uni yesterday.

Let's examine this a bit closer shall we?

Women [Ok, yep, with you. The gender that isn't 'men']
Want [Right. Women want... a lot of things I should imagine. Be interesting to see where you're going with this Mr Bumper Sticker]
Me [Huh. Are you... are you sure? I'm rarely attracted to men that have bumper stickers making such bold proclamations but fine, I understand the qualities that attract me to a man are not neccessarily the same as what everyone else goes for]
Fish [The species of animal. I believe I'm familiar with them]
Fear [The emotion I feel when a pigeon is in a five yard radius to me. Yes, I'm familiar with this also. I'm not entirely certain how impressive it is to be able to strike fear into a fish but for the sake of argument let's roll with this for a bit]
Me [You've lost me].

I don't even... am I missing something? I just... I don't...

Women want me,
Fish fear me.

What?

Let us disregard the fact that it's possibly slightly delusional to think that an entire species of animal is terrified of you personally*. Instead, I have to ask: Is one statement here influenced by the other? If you are popular with the ladies do fish start jumping out of their tanks upon your approach in a deluded effort to flee the scene? Or is it that the 'womens' these days love nothing more than getting a piece of action from the infamous fish frightener?

I DONT GET IT.

However, it is nice to know where you stand with people isn't it? Saves on small talk and the like. We should all just start wearing badges/have bumper stickers that give the world two interesting facts about ourselves.

Mine will say:
'Babies are hypnotised by my face,
Pigeons are out to destroy me'*

Make of that what you will.

*Of course thinking that an entire species of animal is out to DESTROY you? That's perfectly sane and normal.

Sometimes 'GOLF SALE' just means there's a golf sale

You know when those guys are stood in the street advertising a 'GOLF SALE'? It turns out that it is actually advertising a GOLF SALE. Directing you to a shop where they sell you golf things.

I know right!

Because I had thought that this was sort of euphamism, some kind of cultural knowledge that everyone else was in on ("Oh look, this way to the 'golf sale' [wink]") except me because really, why do you need to advertise golf products more than any other? Why aren't there people holding signs for things like 'SHOE LACES SALE'. (I would actually quite like that, I often bemoan the lack of neon signs directing my attention to the things I need to buy. I would love it if you could press pause, press the L and R keys down and an arrow pops up in front of you flashing 'shoe laces this way'. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. If you are a crazy-haired inventor I would really appreciate you getting to work on this immediately, for me)

It's just that, surely if you are the sort of person that golfs then you find out where to buy these things from your golfing buddies or from the club where you a member. It's not the sort of hobby that you just randomly take up. And even if it was, how many people are tempted into it having seen a swarthy dude in a street holding a big luminous yellow sign that says 'GOLF SALE' on it?

I don't know, it just seems sort of poetic that 'GOLF SALE [arrow]' actually means 'GOLF SALE [this way]'.

And it also means that I spend far too much time being paranoid that I'm missing out on something and thinking that there's things in the world that are more complicated than they actually are. Thus my new slogan is going to be: "Sometimes 'GOLF SALE' just means 'golf sale'".

Recreating scenes from your favourite movies

I am so in love with my lecturer it's slightly ridiculous.

Every now and then I would catch myself, chin resting on hand, throwing adoring gazes in his direction and realise... You're looking at him like you love him. You're one of those girls from Indiana Jones' class with 'I Love You' written on your eyelids.

Stop.
It.

I was even moved to speak up in class. Like, a lot. THAT'S the power of love right there. I want to impress him and for him to realise what a stunning intellect I have and for us to have long red-wine fuelled discussions on the nature of reality and whether our view of the world is what actually exists or just a subjective construct that is filtered through our language, and historical and cultural backgrounds. And stuff.

And he got passionate talking about how shite the Daily Mail is. And he was talking about this book and said it had changed the way he views the world. THIS is what I signed up for, THIS is the university experience promised to me by Saved By the Bell: The College Years. Getting inspired by intelligent, attractive men.

Ugh. Look at me I'm gushing. I don't gush. (I so totally do).

I know I do this. I fall in love every week with a different one and then talk about them incessently but still. I can't help it. I am a girl. It's what we do. (And by 'we' I mean 'me').

Plus, I got a first for an essay I did in the module that caused me the most headaches last semester. (An essay that was 'fascinating and beautifully written'. This from the man that told me I don't 'fizz with enough energy' to be a successful writer. SUCK IT BITCH. To be fair I did write it all about me and me is my favourite subject). I would come home from those lectures with adrenaline coursing through my veins and fired up with righteous anger because OH MY GOD people can be dumb. And learning about 'positive psychology' is basically like being strapped down and forced to watch 20 hours of Dr Phil with matchsticks propping open your unwilling eyes.

Not good basically.

But today? Today was good.

But then but then there's the little matter of this FREAKING GOD DAMNED dissertation. From today I have 5 days left to get the draft done and another two weeks after that for the final thing to be handed in. Thats three weeks. T-H-R-E-E W-E-E-K-S. I'll get it done. I always get these things done. If it means having four hours sleep for the next 19 nights I'll get it done. But it's the doing it you know? The doing it when there's TV to watch, Crash Bandicoot to play, books by the person you ('I') would be if you ('I') were a gay man to read. That sort of thing. Things I enjoy more than considering whether I need to apply Bonferoni's Correction to my data and how exactly to do a multivariate ANOVA test (I don't even know what half these things actually mean).

New Years Resolution

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Ha. I might make it my new years resolution to do everything on this list at least once in 2007. I've reached a bit of a plateau in my mad annoying-people skillz so it might be worth cranking it up a notch or two.

How I Spend My Days

Sleep sleep sleep.

See housemate and housemate's boyfriend in state of near nakedness.

Shout 'MY EYES MY EYES'.

Eat bowl of porridge.

Look at pile of work to do.

Go buy more stationary.

Rain rain rain.

Frizzy hair, frizzy hair, frizzy hair.

Walk past hippy/crystal shop for millionth time.

Realise (for the first time) it's called 'Apache Tears'.

Be sick in mouth.

Rain rain rain.

Look at pile of work to do.

Play Crash Bandicoot on Playstation.

Look at pile of work to do.

Faff and organise new stationary.

Eat sandwich.

Look at pile of work to do.

Sleep sleep sleep.