The weather report

Today it is is cold and grey like a fat, dead pigeon. Yet even with the pigeon-a-like weather (lest we forget, pigeons are my mortal enemies) I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat. In fact I'm so upbeat I'm worried. When did I suddenly become so spunky and sassy and happy with myself? What is happening with the world when people try and treat me like shit and I call them on it? This isn't me. This is the made-forTV version of me where the soft focus lense (no, I don't really mean THAT sort of programme but I do realise the middle of that sentence is drawing you to that conclusion) and strummy-la-la music plays in the background as I learn another important life lesson in time for next week's thrilling installment of 'Sazz Files'. Actually, that show would be pretty awesome, 37 minutes of me having pseudo-conversations with my dog ala 'Anchorman'...

Red dog: Arf woof woof bark.

Me: 'You did what? Have you informed the appropriate authorites?

Red dog: Woof. Arf arf bark arf.

Me: Yes, I know this jumper doesnt go with these trousers. Stop trying to change the subject!'

... with the remaining time taken up by me obsessing over some corner of the pop culture spectrum that's suitably obscure and bitching about how much better the world would be if everyone had the same outlook on life as I do. Actually, in reality, I think that would be horrible. The world can only take so many self-obsessed and neurotic control freaks without everyone eventually going insane at the level of analysis taking place constantly;

e.g. 'he said he was going to 'pop to the shops' but put the emphasis on the word 'to'... what does it mean?!'

no-one would get out of bed in the mornings. Being themselves would be just too exhausting. At least that's how I explain my constant tiredness to myself and not the fact that my body clock is completely fucked and won't let me fall asleep until 1am.

But anyway. Yes. Life is dandy. Thanks for asking. Now I'm just waiting patiently for me to fuck it all up, it's only a matter of time.

While I'm here, does anyone know where I can get a good nemesis like Seinfeld's Newman? Just so I can say their name whenever I see them like that Newman way Jerry does. It seems like fun.