Good and Bad Ideas

Bad Ideas

- Go out on a Saturday night and get a little, what do the young people call it nowadays? Worse for wear and TAKE YOUR MOBILE PHONE along with you.

- Text people FROM YOUR PHONE that you probably shouldn't be texting for whatever reason.

- Feel like death might be a better option when awakening the next morning due to

a) grandness of headache

b) all-consuming feelings of embarrassment about what you did/said/texted to various people throughout the evening.

Good Ideas

- I have none of those.

How to make a Sazz not be happy

Today hasnt been a good day.

- I was told by one of my uni lecturers that I need to be model myself more on Lucozade. (I'm paraphrasing - he said 'fizz with energy'). Thing is, I hate people that get enthusiastic and excited by every little thing. They just seem stupid. If he wants me to start talking! with! exclamation! points! after! every! word! then he's going to have to hook me up with lots of cheap speed. I didn't say that at the time. Wish I had.

- I nearly fell asleep after work. Trouble is I was on the M3 at the time. Driving. These things in combination do not a good experience make.

- Someone found my amazing! blog! with the search 'lorraine kelly cleavage pics'. I feel sick. (although if you read my latest entry you'll see thats not the worst search anyone has ever done on the internet). When did my site become synonymous with soft porn and C-List celebs? Cos whatever point in time that DID happen, I'd like to go back and change it. Does anyone have a DeLorian handy?

- One of my best friends liked (and in the case of Kel sort of loved) KENAN AND KEL. I feel like I never really knew her at all. Gaz, if you read this.. do you remeber when we went to Reading and you kept doing the 'who likes orange soda?!' thing about 50 times in a row as well as singing the only fools and horses theme tune constantly? You're probably one of the most irritating people on the planet. After my good self of course.

Anyways, just thought I'd share

How people find my blog

Here are some of the recent Google searches people have done that have lead them to this blog. I really wish they had left their details:

- 'why have simon and miquita left popworld?'

Sadly I do not have the answer to the question that has been on the minds of many recently (although there might be some help here). It may be the most shallow thing I've ever said but even though I missed Simon and Miquita more than anything, seeing a half naked Alex Zane this Saturday morning was NO BAD THING. And I really liked Alexa's cardi. Give me cute skinny boys in their pants and a nice lady wearing a lovely cardi and I'm all yours.

- 'girls aloud papparazzi shots'

Buying Heat magazine would have been more helpful I think (if they were after shots where GA looked too skinny/ too fat/ their shoes were too small etc etc). I would strongly suggest just buying Heat to anyone anyway if only to experience the warm, somewhat comfortable sensation of your brain dribbling out through your ears. Ahh luvverly.

- 'printout nickelodeon pranks'

What does that even mean? How unimaginative do you have to be if you require:

a) 'pranks' from a television station that gave the world Kenan and Kel? (although they also gave us Sabrina the Teenage Witch so I can probably forgive the K&K thing)

b) a 'printout' of said pranks? I really don't think it's going to be *that* complicated that you would need written instructions to carry around with you. Would you? Really?

- 'richard hammond fan fiction'

I think fate has handed me the perfect 'short'(HA!)-story subject on a platter. If anyone here is aware of 'bandslashfiction' (where indie girls write homoerotic love stories about their favourite indie heros) there is probably a whole wealth of novella ideas to be plundered involving Car Show TV presenters. Obviosly The May would be involved, and his lovely feathered mullet-esque hairdo would feature heavily also. See, this shit is going to write itself. On a similar note, last time I googled myself (SHUT UP! YOU'VE ALL DONE IT) the only 'Sarah Mulholland' that I could find (who wasnt dead) wrote fan fiction for 'Caroline In The City'. I swear to little baby Jesus that it wasnt actually me.

- 'kfc hedgehog advert'

I'm normally terrified when adults dress up as animals but for this ad I made a generous 'exception to prove the rule'.

- 'chuckle brothers spit roast'

Sweet god in heaven why? Actually, on second thoughts - my brain doesnt wish to know that (or have the accompanying mental images). But really, as far as sick and twisted things go... thats pretty high up there. Even by my standards

Special as in 'stop eating the paste' special?

As I was flicking through Sky Movies the other day, eventually settling down to watch The Beautician and the Beast for the 27th time, I realised that I have probably seen that movie more than any other in my life. To the best of my recollection I have also seen it in at least four different countries.

There is something wrong with that.

My new favourite saying is 'That makes me a sadpanda'. For extra sadness the 'a' in sad is drawn out.

Who moved my cheese?

I think when you enter a bar and theres NO OTHER PEOPLE in there, except for two bar staff the correct choice is to turn around and walk out again. Unless you are me and Farr, and find yourself heavily laden with middle-class white person guilt every single moment of your fucking life. WOULDNT WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE NOW WOULD WE? Ever. Of course slagging people off BEHIND their backs? Yes, thats fine. Make fun to your hearts content. For instance, if you see someone that appears to have modelled their entire persona on Anthony Costa from the 'sadly' now defunct boy band Blue and his girlfriend that seems to be a Chantelle/Jenny-Frost-from-Atomic-Kitten hybrid then by all means carry on. In fact, I'm sure it would actually be rude to NOT mercilessly mock these people (not so they can hear you of course). I can't imagine why else they would make themselves look the way they do unless they actively enjoy people laughing at them. Let me put it this way: Anyone guy that wears a white dress shirt half tucked in to his tight *shudder* jeans with the top 5 buttons left undone and any girl who sports silver ballet shoes (or 'pumps' for the fashion conscious among you) is not the sort of person that expects to be taken seriously. I hope.

Where was I. Oh yes, you've just entered the pub where fun goes to die. You approach the bar with a somewhat hesitant smile for the surly and senseofhumourless barmaid and get your pal a refreshing pint of slightly warm lager and a diet cola for yourself who - for the evening at least - is known as 'Des' the designated driver (despite your overwhelming urge to down half a bottle of gin and sing Neil Diamond songs at the top of your voice just to show the bar staff that your life is more interesting than a small glass of diet coke would suggest it is). Once these drinks have been procured why not settle yourself down into a corner booth and start doing the NME crossword. If, by some fluke you get all but four answers correct you WILL start to cry. So close and yet so far. By this point, the conversation will have likely moved on to the fake band you are going to create a fake buzz about (by writing on any available space on the backs of toilet doors, graffiti-ing ratty looking flyers, and, erm.. thats it). No matter what scenarios are played out with the direction this fake band could take somehow the plan always ends with us being on Top of The Pops. Is that show even still on? If it's not, they'll probably do a special episode just to showcase the hottest band in the world today (or tomorrow which it will be by then) you know, the band everyone is talking about - The Suadettes. They do Neil Diamond covers and all wear differently coloured wigs that are in a Velma-from-Scooby-Doo style. I hear there was a buzz about them before they even played their first gig. Witness the power of hype.

When you watch the same episode of Veronica Mars for the 14th time you start to notice important little details that the 13 previous viewings may not have yielded. Like the fact that her guidance counsellors nipples are really visible under that sweater.

This made me laugh from Popbitch:

>> Who moved my cheese? <<
Teasing Richard Madeley leads to dismissal
Honk writes:
"My mate got sacked from the Cheese Hamlet
shop in Didsbury for muttering 'I'm watching
you mate' to Richard Madeley when he was
browsing the cheese selection."

Of all the people in the world that would be supportive of making inappropriate remarks to inappropriate people at inappropriate times you would have thought Richard Madeley would be leading some sort of revolution in that arena. Thats basically how he earns his keep. How can a poor Cheese Shop Worker from Didsbury be vilified for something that Richard himself does everyday from the hours of 5pm to 6pm Monday to Friday? Maybe thats what it was. The Cheese Shop Worker (lets call him Greg) didn't have the common decency to stick to the carefully laid out guidelines Richard has written on being an arse to people (namely, stick to the Monday-Friday, 5-6pm hours or you are OUT of the club). Still, poor Greg. Even I didnt read section 7 paragraph 3 of the guidelines that carefully.

I dont want to miss out on anything, at the same time I feel the need to retreat

Misanthropy is a general dislike of the human race. It is not dislike of individual human beings, but rather dislike of the features shared by all humanity throughout place and time, including oneself. A misanthrope is thus a person who exhibits a general dislike of humankind.

The above seems apt right about now.

I only ever see the same episode of Top Gear on UKGold 2. I'm starting to think there's some sort of conspiracy (but when do you ever get irrationally paranoid Sazz I hear you cry. The answer is 'never'. All my paranoia is valid and righteous. You should know that by now). Its the one where Jeremy races a... I was going to say what sort of car but I really have no idea.. that, you know, posh fast car..with The May and Hammond who are on public transport. Clarkson wins. Clarkson always wins. That's just who he is. Of course, I enjoy the episode and OF COURSE I always watch it - theres quite a bit of classic bantering between Jezzer and Richie, this is something I can't turn my back on - but really, after the 57th viewing it starts to lose some of its sparkle. Shocking, I know, but sadly true.

However, I am mainly obsessed (to the point where I hadnt actually left the house on indulged in person-to-person conversation for four days - until last night) with two shows that may, JUST MAY, on the surface look like cheeze teen rubbish. The first is 'Veronica Mars'. This is about a teenage girl detective who is quite hot. However, it's actually a lot more subversive and dark than the initial description might suggest. The first season dealt with murder, isolation, rape and incest. YEAH I KNOW! Saved By The Bell never dealt with shit like that! Even during 'The College Years'.