Women want me, fish fear me

So said a bumper sticker I saw on the back of a van whilst wandering into uni yesterday.

Let's examine this a bit closer shall we?

Women [Ok, yep, with you. The gender that isn't 'men']
Want [Right. Women want... a lot of things I should imagine. Be interesting to see where you're going with this Mr Bumper Sticker]
Me [Huh. Are you... are you sure? I'm rarely attracted to men that have bumper stickers making such bold proclamations but fine, I understand the qualities that attract me to a man are not neccessarily the same as what everyone else goes for]
Fish [The species of animal. I believe I'm familiar with them]
Fear [The emotion I feel when a pigeon is in a five yard radius to me. Yes, I'm familiar with this also. I'm not entirely certain how impressive it is to be able to strike fear into a fish but for the sake of argument let's roll with this for a bit]
Me [You've lost me].

I don't even... am I missing something? I just... I don't...

Women want me,
Fish fear me.

What?

Let us disregard the fact that it's possibly slightly delusional to think that an entire species of animal is terrified of you personally*. Instead, I have to ask: Is one statement here influenced by the other? If you are popular with the ladies do fish start jumping out of their tanks upon your approach in a deluded effort to flee the scene? Or is it that the 'womens' these days love nothing more than getting a piece of action from the infamous fish frightener?

I DONT GET IT.

However, it is nice to know where you stand with people isn't it? Saves on small talk and the like. We should all just start wearing badges/have bumper stickers that give the world two interesting facts about ourselves.

Mine will say:
'Babies are hypnotised by my face,
Pigeons are out to destroy me'*

Make of that what you will.

*Of course thinking that an entire species of animal is out to DESTROY you? That's perfectly sane and normal.

Sometimes 'GOLF SALE' just means there's a golf sale

You know when those guys are stood in the street advertising a 'GOLF SALE'? It turns out that it is actually advertising a GOLF SALE. Directing you to a shop where they sell you golf things.

I know right!

Because I had thought that this was sort of euphamism, some kind of cultural knowledge that everyone else was in on ("Oh look, this way to the 'golf sale' [wink]") except me because really, why do you need to advertise golf products more than any other? Why aren't there people holding signs for things like 'SHOE LACES SALE'. (I would actually quite like that, I often bemoan the lack of neon signs directing my attention to the things I need to buy. I would love it if you could press pause, press the L and R keys down and an arrow pops up in front of you flashing 'shoe laces this way'. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier. If you are a crazy-haired inventor I would really appreciate you getting to work on this immediately, for me)

It's just that, surely if you are the sort of person that golfs then you find out where to buy these things from your golfing buddies or from the club where you a member. It's not the sort of hobby that you just randomly take up. And even if it was, how many people are tempted into it having seen a swarthy dude in a street holding a big luminous yellow sign that says 'GOLF SALE' on it?

I don't know, it just seems sort of poetic that 'GOLF SALE [arrow]' actually means 'GOLF SALE [this way]'.

And it also means that I spend far too much time being paranoid that I'm missing out on something and thinking that there's things in the world that are more complicated than they actually are. Thus my new slogan is going to be: "Sometimes 'GOLF SALE' just means 'golf sale'".

Recreating scenes from your favourite movies

I am so in love with my lecturer it's slightly ridiculous.

Every now and then I would catch myself, chin resting on hand, throwing adoring gazes in his direction and realise... You're looking at him like you love him. You're one of those girls from Indiana Jones' class with 'I Love You' written on your eyelids.

Stop.
It.

I was even moved to speak up in class. Like, a lot. THAT'S the power of love right there. I want to impress him and for him to realise what a stunning intellect I have and for us to have long red-wine fuelled discussions on the nature of reality and whether our view of the world is what actually exists or just a subjective construct that is filtered through our language, and historical and cultural backgrounds. And stuff.

And he got passionate talking about how shite the Daily Mail is. And he was talking about this book and said it had changed the way he views the world. THIS is what I signed up for, THIS is the university experience promised to me by Saved By the Bell: The College Years. Getting inspired by intelligent, attractive men.

Ugh. Look at me I'm gushing. I don't gush. (I so totally do).

I know I do this. I fall in love every week with a different one and then talk about them incessently but still. I can't help it. I am a girl. It's what we do. (And by 'we' I mean 'me').

Plus, I got a first for an essay I did in the module that caused me the most headaches last semester. (An essay that was 'fascinating and beautifully written'. This from the man that told me I don't 'fizz with enough energy' to be a successful writer. SUCK IT BITCH. To be fair I did write it all about me and me is my favourite subject). I would come home from those lectures with adrenaline coursing through my veins and fired up with righteous anger because OH MY GOD people can be dumb. And learning about 'positive psychology' is basically like being strapped down and forced to watch 20 hours of Dr Phil with matchsticks propping open your unwilling eyes.

Not good basically.

But today? Today was good.

But then but then there's the little matter of this FREAKING GOD DAMNED dissertation. From today I have 5 days left to get the draft done and another two weeks after that for the final thing to be handed in. Thats three weeks. T-H-R-E-E W-E-E-K-S. I'll get it done. I always get these things done. If it means having four hours sleep for the next 19 nights I'll get it done. But it's the doing it you know? The doing it when there's TV to watch, Crash Bandicoot to play, books by the person you ('I') would be if you ('I') were a gay man to read. That sort of thing. Things I enjoy more than considering whether I need to apply Bonferoni's Correction to my data and how exactly to do a multivariate ANOVA test (I don't even know what half these things actually mean).

New Years Resolution

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Ha. I might make it my new years resolution to do everything on this list at least once in 2007. I've reached a bit of a plateau in my mad annoying-people skillz so it might be worth cranking it up a notch or two.

How I Spend My Days

Sleep sleep sleep.

See housemate and housemate's boyfriend in state of near nakedness.

Shout 'MY EYES MY EYES'.

Eat bowl of porridge.

Look at pile of work to do.

Go buy more stationary.

Rain rain rain.

Frizzy hair, frizzy hair, frizzy hair.

Walk past hippy/crystal shop for millionth time.

Realise (for the first time) it's called 'Apache Tears'.

Be sick in mouth.

Rain rain rain.

Look at pile of work to do.

Play Crash Bandicoot on Playstation.

Look at pile of work to do.

Faff and organise new stationary.

Eat sandwich.

Look at pile of work to do.

Sleep sleep sleep.

Top 5's from 2006

Top 5 Lessons Learned in 2006

• 5. If you're going to do 'sit down dancing' don't let it be filmed...: ... because you look like a twat at the best of times anyway.
• 4. Confrontation isn't as scary as my middle-class British upbringing would have me believe: So I'm sorry to the guys I dated this year who thought I'd be a pushover. That was just sooo 2005 dahlinks.
• 3. Not everyone analyses their own (and others) behaviour as closely as you do: So don't be surprised when people you know repeat the same mistakes again and again and aren't even aware they are doing it. You might consider it 'common sense' but not everyone has a therapist-in-training as one of their best mates.
• 2. Rejection isn't that bad: As long as you have learned to like yourself first. Simple hey? Although drunken, tearful 'seduction' attempts are probably never going to win anyone over in the first place if we're all honest.
• 1. How to be happy: Cos I actually think I am, for the first time in like... ever. However, it turns out that everything Ive done to become comfortable and content with myself have nothing to do with the bullshit lectures we did on 'positive psychology and well-being'. Funny that.

Top 5 Adverts

• 5. Gillette Fusion Gift Set: Quite obviously this guy he's buying a razor set for is his 'sugar daddy' and not his father which, when you realise this, gives the whole thing an even deeper level of creepiness than it already had.
• 4. Clearblue Pregnancy Test: Is this an advert for a pregnancy test or the next Star Trek series? It's difficult to tell.
• 3. Old El Paso Dinner Kits: "Yeah I'd thought I'd get Neil [lets call him Neil] to cook tonight"
  "What's he making? If it's fucking 'authentic' Mexican again I'm seriously going to kill myself"
  "Umm..."
• 2. Harpic 2 in 1: 'What does your loo say about you?' I hope and pray to little baby Jesus that it says FUCK ALL as its a T-O-I-L-E-T.
• 1. Virgin Credit Card: I keep rewinding the bit where 'Harold' is doing a shimmy. I have never loved the expression on someones face more than I love Harold's at that moment.

Top 5 Comedy Heroes

• 5. Simon Amstell: My love for him on Popworld is surely well known by now and I think he's carried on his fabulousness with his Buzzcocks presenting (and he has great hair).
• 4. Larry David: For obvious reasons.
• 3. Steve Carell: His portrayal of 'Michael Scott' in the American version of The Office is the funniest character on TV at the moment. There's also loads of clips on youtube of his 'Daily Show' days which proves he's always had mad comedy skillz yo.
• 2. Armando Iannucci: You want satire? You got satire. Time Trumpet was a triumph and having 'borrowed' Carlos's Armando Iannucci Show DVD I've been reminded a thousand times over of his genius.
• 1. David Cross: He writes! He acts! He blows other stand-ups out of the water! (not literally) He can turn even the most mundane character, script or situation into comedy gold (please see: 'She's the Man')! Just having him in the world improves my life by approx 76%.

Top 5 Mixtape Tricks

• 5. Include a couple TV theme songs in places: The laugh of recognition from people around you to the accompaniment of the opening bars of 'The Golden Girls' theme tune is one of the nicest sounds in the world.
• 4. Dot two or three TV/movie quotes throughout the tape: The 'and then...' clip from Dude Where's My Car ("I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games") will never stop being funny just as the 'Ezekiel 25-17' passage in Pulp Fiction will never stop being supercool
• 3. Keep in mind your purpose: A road trip comp will probably not be enhanced by the 10 minute version of Yes's 'Heart Of The Sunrise'. An 'I love you snookums' comp will probably not be enhanced by the works of Mötley Crüe (unless your loved one tastes swing that way in which case let it rip)
• 2. Keep in mind your audience: Like the bit at the end of High Fidelity where Rob is all 'I'm making a tape, for Laura, full of stuff she likes. I think I finally get how that's done'. But, you know, don't go overboard on that philosophy otherwise they could have just made it themselves.
• 1. Don't be fearful of including so-called 'Guilty Pleasures': Because there is nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to Huey Lewis or The Captain and Tennille. Everyone E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E secretly loves shit like that, it's just some people are more afraid to admit it.