It's always better on holiday

Err.. yeah... sorry Nic, I could pretend that I am some amazing philosopher making a point on life with an existential/nihilist double whammy statement but that would be lies. All lies. Just looks like the text I pasted in didn't save. Ho-hum. I was impressed the amount of work you put in to discover what the 'Rock Cabana' reference was about but, in truth, it is the name of a man whose ID I had to revoke yesterday. I thought it was possibly the coolest name ON THE PLANET. Who would have thought that a kid given the name 'Rock' would grow up to be a middle manager in Ohio? Or maybe the professional wrestler decided that the career change to actor wasn't working out so got an Office Drone job instead? I don't think The Scorpion King did very well at the box office so I feel fairly confident that this is indeed the case.

I've found another way of procrastinating, writing post-it's that are essentially nonsense and posting them around people's desks so they'll think they've forgotten something very important. For example,

'Call NA 29th aug confirm meeting'

'Get JN arrange "discussion of tasks" by 30th aug. V Imp!!!'

I have to be careful not to let anyone see that it's me doing it but my plan is to say it's part of an integrated art installation if anyone does cotton on. I'm such a freakin legend. All this 'finding-ways-to-skive-work' lark is leaving very little time to actually DO some work. But it's too late to change my work ethic now. Unless anyone has a DeLorean to hand?

Rock Cabana

Annual Ladysazz Awards

I literally can't get enough of the Maximo Park album. I keep getting funny looks when I'm stopped at traffic lights (in my car, I don't just hang around traffic lights looking for high-jinx or anything) for looking like an extra out Wayne's World (except with more mad dancing skills and a lower headbanging quotient).

Now I've got that out of the way its time for the awards... Cue the lights, music and drum roll please....

For Services to the LadySazz Blog 2005 the winner is.....

NIC MONK!

For Services to the English Language 2005 the winner is.....

NIC MONK!

and finally for Services to Helping Keep the Word of Sabrinia the Teenage Witch out on the Streets........ the winner is....*holds breath*........

NIC MONK!

Wow congrats to Nic Monk there. He's done the unthinkable and only gone and got the bloody treble! Well done! Those trophies are coverted in Lady Sazz Land so be sure to look after them. I actually made them myself. I bet you're all wondering why on earth I dropped out of art school and threw all that talent away to do Psychology.

Its shocking isn't it?

The World: No.

Me: Oh.

Gene Kelly weeps

So I've been working, going to a couple of gigs, working, sleeping occasionally, going to work with a hangover and um... writing a sit-com. I had forgotten how much fun it is to go to work hungover. Though people in the office tend to get a bit suspicious if you refuse to take off your sunglasses inside the building. This is one of the useful things I have discovered so far through working here. Another useful thing being that if you walk all the way to the canteen for a cup of tea rather than the vending machine you get to waste at least 44 minutes (in total: 3 mins to walk there, 5 minutes to wait for tea to be made, 3 mins to walk back times-ed by 4) off your day. And... um... well that's it so far but I have only been here three weeks, I have this job for another year so there's still time to pick up more scintillating tips to improve the quality of my life.

I've also got a crush on the new barman of our local. I have already managed to embarrass myself at least a dozen times despite only seeing him for the first time the other night. I can't remember how or why I've managed to embarrass myself. I just know that its happened, call it a sixth sense. The last time I have woken up with a similar vauge sense of dread was after a debauched night I had 'enjoyed' on the last day of my second-year exams. I went on to have flashbacks that suggested I had invited two men back to my house and performed a tap (thats TAP, not a typo of lap) dance for them. It may be a while before I venture back into t'local. Someday I'm going to meet a man who finds my goonishness charming rather than just goonish. But probably not any time soon.

Who loves orange soda?

People at my new job scare me. Well, everyone who is my age-ish scares me. All the boys have the same hair, its kind of sticky uppy bordering on mullet-y. Some have highlights. This sort of thing scares me. All the girls look like they have been rooting around in Oxfam after Sienna Miller has dropped off a bag of her cast offs. This sort of thing scares me.

I know I sound like a total snob but its not what they all look like or choose to wear, it's that they have chosen to copy each other. I tend to freak out when I feel like I'm in a remake of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (but then, I also get scared when I see gaggles of geese strutting around the place. I may not be the best judge of when it is, or is not, appropriate to be scared). Let's just say that I don't think my new job will be the place to find a delightful young man who reads books (as opposed to FHM or Nuts), listens to The Smiths and enjoys witty repartee. It's just a hunch.

In other news, my brother's mate is staying with us before he emigrates to Australia next month. He's a nice enough lad but he's already tried to use the tv remote to mute me. Why does everyone that stays in my house for more than a week attempt to use a tv remote to mute me?! I thought that people liked incessent chatter? Oh they don't? That would explain a LOT...

And finally, here's proof if further proof were needed of how cool I really am:

1. I went to see Herbie: Fully Loaded this afternoon. By myself. I was surrounded by 13-year-olds but my girl crush on Lidsey Lohan is too strong to ignore. Plus it had that geeky kid from Jeepers Creepers and Dodgeball. I love geeky boys.

2. I am doing an online murder mystery game based around a fake pop star's death. Yes really. Here's the link...http://www.bbc.co.uk/jamiekane/ Don't worry. It has been pointed out to me that I am one step away from becoming the sort of individual that plays Dungeons and Dragons. That would be one step too far even for me. No offence anyone but... well, really.

The biggest loser

Last day of freedom before the reality of the working world hits me. How am I going to cram in eight hours of tv a day now?! It's going to be hard but I believe in myself enough to trust that I can achieve it.

Off to the pub quiz later on. I have a whole £5.37 to spend, who knows what japes I'll get up to with that sort of cash to flash around.

Schizogirl

My wardrobe is so schizophrenic. For instance, today I am dressed in skater shorts, a mickey mouse tee-shirt and a hoodie (no trips to Bluewater Shopping Centre for me then) but I'm just as likely to wear a cocktail dress and heels to go shopping in Sainsbury’s. Sometimes I love my eclecticism and other times I loathe it. Most people seem to find a look that works for them and stick with it (whether it suits them or not) whereas I am always portraying a different character. All the times I have attempted to hone my wardrobe into one coherent whole, as opposed to a fractured mess of colours, patterns and styles, I have got bored with being the same and gone off in a totally different direction a couple of weeks later. Although, the same principle applies to pretty much everything I do, have done, and indeed am ever likely to do.

In other news, Luke and Lorelai are making some progress in their drawn out courtship on the Gilmore Girls. When you're more involved in tv relationships than your own love life it could be construed as time to start going out a bit more. Sadly I have no money to do such things, happily I start my new job as an office drone on Monday. Of course there are pro's and cons to this turn of development:

PRO - Having money

CON - Being an office drone.

Sigh.

You can always go downtown

So I'm back. I'm still a bit 'wacked out' from jet lag. I have spent the last 24 hours asleep with brief interuptions of waking dreams/hallucinations which has been at least three bags of fun.

I'll give you all a few excerpts from my journal but I'll try not to bore you all silly. I'm well aware that travellin' folks tend to write stuff like 'and then I went here, and then I did this and then I met him' which I'm sure was very interesting for the person who did those things at the time but for everyone that wasn't there is intensly boring. On a similar theme I saw someone videoing their family coming down the escaltors at Universal Studios. Who on god's green earth will want to watch that in years to come? What if aliens land and they find that piece of video tape? There'll be no chance of them sticking around to impart any great wisdom they may have to give us. 'what a BORING bunch of creatures, let's go to alpha centurion and do some alien type things'. It could happen. (It won't).

Plane Ride

1. Best thing about plane ride to San Francisco:

Getting to watch 2 episodes of Top Gear featuring the lovely Richard Hammond.

2. Worst thing about plane ride to San Francisco:

My hair going stat-o-matic. It seems that altititude + recyclyed air + naturally frizzy hair = trouble.

San Fran

1. First Impressions of San Francisco:

Sunny but nippy. Very colourful buildings. Not as many hippy's as I had hoped for. The hotel is decorated in a very cool art deco kinda way with lots of prints of 20's paintings. Food portions are HUGE, I had a taco salad at IHOP and ate like a 1/4 of it. It was the size of a new born baby.

2. May have spotted Dave Eggers may have been just a man:

I only know him from the little photo he has in his books and his old Guardian column. It would have been cool if it was him, but it probably wasn't.

3. Muir Woods which has lots of Redwoods:

A park ranger said 'the trees are both male and female which fits in with the lifestyle of the bay area'. Funny if a little bigoted? Can't decide.

4. Rufus Wainwright quotes are on Starbucks cups:

And I got called 'Sir' by one of the Starbucks counter ladies.

5. 'Splashy' Sea Lions:

Pier 39 in San Fran is where all the rocking sea lions hang out. They are fat and grunmpy and hugable. I had a favourite that was sat on her own and when the others started barking she told them all to shut up and they did. I think that's what she was saying. My sea-lionese is a little rusty.

6. San Francisico City Tour:

The tour guide said that in the Wild West they didn't have any doctors. I think he may well be forgetting one important person - Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman.

7. Akuna Matata:

Waiting for the F-line tram after an evening in 'downtown' San Fran a car full of young men pulled up next to where we were standing while the traffic lights were red. Windows down, stereo blasting. What were they listening to I hear you ask? Why, isn't that obvious? It was Akuna Matata, the Timon and Pumba song from The Lion King. Yes, of course they were singing along loudly. It'd have been weird if they weren't.

8. Crooked Street:

Nearly died climbing the two blocks to get there (which have been kindly engineered to be at a 45o angle. Stupid hills). Still it was worth it to see the place where fabulous films such as 'What's up Doc?' (a classic movie of the screwball comedy genre featuring Barbara Streisand and Ryan O'Neal) and 'The Princess Diaries' (a classic movie of the teen 'comedy' genre featuring Anne Hathaway and Mary Poppins) have been filmed. I'm only half joking about this been exciting for me.

9. Yosemite National Park:

It was well worth the year and half that it took getting there (that may be a slight exaggeration). It was truely astounding, it kicks the Lake District's ass. I didn't get to see any brown bears but I did see lots of hairy rugged men which is even better as far as I'm concerned.

10. Bay Cruise:

Went under the Golden Gate bridge just as a seagull started to hover over my head. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my fear of pigeons. Times that by ten for seagulls. Damn seagulls. Saw 'The Rock' though. By that I mean Alcatraz, not the ex-wrestler who did a song with Wyclef.

Los Angeles

1. Hollywood:

It felt amazing just being there and seeing where all the movies are made but it wasn't at all glamorous. If anything it was a bit mingey really. I wouldn't make a special trip to go back there but it was cool just saying you've done it.

2. Sister Act:

Our hotel is just up the road from where Sister Act was filmed. I think I may die of happiness.

3. Studio Audience:

I was in the studio audience for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. 'Who?' you ask. He was the boss in The Drew Carey Show! 'The Drew Carey what?' Never mind, it's a sitcom. You know how I like my sitcoms. He was also in a film called The Big Tease, he was a hairdresser or something. 'Never saw it'. Oh jeez, ok well anyway it's a chat show and they had Eddie Izzard and Dominic Monahan on as guests! I was very excited as I had a BIG crush on Mr Izzard when I was 17. He is really short. I always thought he was tall and burly but he's not. Weird.

4. Universal Studios:

Ron Howard followed us around all day. Seriously, he talks to you on the Studio Lot tour and on the Backdraft ride and, and... well, that was it but still. It was a bit freaky. I used to have no strong feelings for Ron Howard but now I hate him. If I never see him again it'll be too soon. Except for when watching Happy Days. Obviously.

5. Mel's Drive In:
Apparently it's a 'Celebrity Bar' but looked more like a classic 50's diner to me. I think I saw Jack Osbourne, (so it's definately not a celebrity bar then). (ba-da-boom-tish). You'll never guess whose picture was on the menu's (just a small one in the corner but it counts), yes, that Ron freakin' Howard. I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again HOWARD!

6. Storm from X-Men:

There are loads of people who dress up as movie characters outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. One of these was Storm, she had a lot more cellulite than I remember her having in the film.

7. Venice Beach:
They had proper Mitch from Baywatch red shorts and red floating things and little huts! Wowzer. There were four surfer boys we came across who were surely parodies of themselves; 'Dude, you should see Cosman's seriously gnarly home video of sharks! Totally rad!' etc etc

8. Steve Carrel (aka Brick Tamland):

He's in a new movie called The 40-Year-Old Virgin about, err.. a 40-Year-Old Virgin I presume. His smiling golden face gives me a warm glow inside.

9. Radio Station:
Found the coolest radio station which plays 'good good good, good time oldies' (sung to the tune of Good Vibrations). It has a heavy rotation of Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin and Neil Diamond so it's alright by me. Did you know Neil is some sort of white witch and puts magic in his songs? That's why you always feel good after listening to them. That's true because someone told me it.

10. Star Tours:

Went on a super tacky tour of all the star's homes. I saw the Fresh Prince of Bel Air's house! You know, where he pulled up to the house about seven or eight and yelled to cabbie yo hommie smell you later. And where you saw Jazzy Jeff getting the ol' heave-ho! It's really in Bel Air folks (though the tour guide said the actual show was filmed elsewhere but I refuse to believe that). I also saw Neil Diamond's house, woop! AND I saw Colin Farrell eating lunch in a posh restaurant. I think.

New York

I have a confession I didn't get a chance to write much in New York because there was so much to see and do and I was knackered every time I got back to hotel (the 3 hour time diffference from Californai slayed me, yet I wasn't affected in the other direction) but highlights included:

• The Statue of Liberty, which was bigger than I thought.
• Ground Zero which was really sad and kind of eerie. Its just a construction site at the moment but everyone around it was really quiet and respectful. It feels like a tragic place. I was surprised by how affected I was and how much the images of what happened are imprinted on my brain.
• The Empire State building which has incredible views and the city and beyond.
• Central Park which is MASSIVE. You don't feel like you are in the middle of a big city until you get to one of the edges and see skyscrapers
• Bloomingdales and Macys are the department stores of my dreams! I preferred the littler (cheaper) shops in Greenwich Village though.

All in all, it's amazing. I want to live there and be a writer and eat bagels all day. Walked half of Manhatten island in one day. As it was my first time in New York I think that was the best way of doing it cos you get a real feel for the city. It's so clean and felt much safer than London.

The Aftermath

I'm definately going back to San Fran and NY one day. It's made me determined to do the American road trip I've always talked about but instead of having just a pipe dream now it's something I'm actively going to plan for, probably for when I finish my degree. However, it's nice to be home. I missed crumpets and tea and my dogs.