This terrifies me to my very soul

http://www.leekspin.com

as my pal Carlos says 'I don't know what the fuck she's saying but when is she going to stop spinning that leek and start taking her top off?'

I know the coolest people.

Resistance is Futile

Doing my late night channel flicking yesterday (thats not a euphamism, I mean that literally) I happened upon a 'Pioneer's Special' on MTV2 and listened to over three quarters of an hour of music from the likes of Dinosaur Jr, Mercury Rev, PIL, Sleater-Kinney, Flaming Lips and so on and so forth. Then, just as I was tired enough to think about falling asleep I turned over to Magic and they were playing Starship 'Nothing's Going To Stop Us' (you might know it best as the song from 1980's classic film 'Mannequin' with Andrew McCarthy and the slaggy one from Sex and the City). Guess what I've been singing in my head for the last 24 hours? :(

Oh dear.

It happened. I let my guard down and watched a bit of Big Brother at a friend's house and even though I was sheilding my dignity and self-worth and, most importantly, my eyes, with a magazine held firmly in front of my face so that I couldn't be affected by the events beaming out of the tellybox... I couldn't help myself from being dragged in and then... I fell in love. With the one who has tourettes, Pete. Yes. When I first saw the hat I was suspicious. 'Only 'wacky' people wear hats inside. I hate wacky people'. And then, I saw his face and then he's all adorable like a twitchy little puppy and it happened. I love him.

Now I'm in a dilemna. Do I go back on everything I believe about it being sick and wrong to watch this show, all for the man I love, who has volunteered to be involved in a project that stands for everything I hate? Or do I give in to love and watch but end up loathing myself? I think we all know the answer to that one.

Oh. And I love Russel Brand. I once saw him in H&M (or 'ash et mmm' as the cool people - i.e. me - pronounce it) on Oxford Street. He is very tall and his face has sharp angles and he is very hairy. He talks like a cockney street urchin from 1897 and dresses like a gay man from 1974. All these things are obviously excellent. My only quibble is that he needs to lay off the eye liner a bit.. Ok Russel we get it. You're 'kooky' and 'out there' and 'cool'. Now sit still, stop rummaging through my make up bag and be quiet for five minutes. Then I may consider going out with you. If you are lucky. In my dreams.

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I love 'laundry day'. I can look like a smacked up crack whore and it be ok as whomever asks the question 'what the fuck do you think you're wearing' is normally pacified as I smile sweetly, shrug my shoulders and say with a nod and a wink 'laundry day' . 'Ahh' they sympathise, smile back and we both continue on our merry way. God bless laundry day. The fact that I'm always claiming it's laundry day is neither here nor there. As long as no one calls me on it. Then I might have to move on to the 'i'm on class A drugs' excuse.

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My dissertation proposal has been approved and I have a supervisor that's already failed to answer any of my emails, joy, so come next semester I will be conducting a 'Qualitative Analysis on the Attitudes Towards Rape'. The most exciting thing about this of course is that I will be buying new stationary. Sweet mother of pearl how much do I love buying new stationary? A lot is the answer to that.

The weather report

Today it is is cold and grey like a fat, dead pigeon. Yet even with the pigeon-a-like weather (lest we forget, pigeons are my mortal enemies) I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat. In fact I'm so upbeat I'm worried. When did I suddenly become so spunky and sassy and happy with myself? What is happening with the world when people try and treat me like shit and I call them on it? This isn't me. This is the made-forTV version of me where the soft focus lense (no, I don't really mean THAT sort of programme but I do realise the middle of that sentence is drawing you to that conclusion) and strummy-la-la music plays in the background as I learn another important life lesson in time for next week's thrilling installment of 'Sazz Files'. Actually, that show would be pretty awesome, 37 minutes of me having pseudo-conversations with my dog ala 'Anchorman'...

Red dog: Arf woof woof bark.

Me: 'You did what? Have you informed the appropriate authorites?

Red dog: Woof. Arf arf bark arf.

Me: Yes, I know this jumper doesnt go with these trousers. Stop trying to change the subject!'

... with the remaining time taken up by me obsessing over some corner of the pop culture spectrum that's suitably obscure and bitching about how much better the world would be if everyone had the same outlook on life as I do. Actually, in reality, I think that would be horrible. The world can only take so many self-obsessed and neurotic control freaks without everyone eventually going insane at the level of analysis taking place constantly;

e.g. 'he said he was going to 'pop to the shops' but put the emphasis on the word 'to'... what does it mean?!'

no-one would get out of bed in the mornings. Being themselves would be just too exhausting. At least that's how I explain my constant tiredness to myself and not the fact that my body clock is completely fucked and won't let me fall asleep until 1am.

But anyway. Yes. Life is dandy. Thanks for asking. Now I'm just waiting patiently for me to fuck it all up, it's only a matter of time.

While I'm here, does anyone know where I can get a good nemesis like Seinfeld's Newman? Just so I can say their name whenever I see them like that Newman way Jerry does. It seems like fun.

C.R.A.Z.Y

You know every now and again you'll see a film that makes your heart melt and captures a part of your soul? (HOW emo do I sound right now? I think I'm going to make myself sick). And I'm not talking about National Lampoon's European Vacation or Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (for once). No, I would like to direct you towards this little French-Canadian gem - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401085/

Not only was it visually stunning but it's star is a beathtakingly beautiful boy called Marc-André Grondin who I have fallen in love with (not that I fall in love with someone different at least 3 times a day or anything. That would indicate I was fickle). (which I am not). (ahem). But yes, I urge you to see this movie immediately.

Now I have to go and enjoy an afternoon of playing with lego. Okiloveyoubyebye.

I'm going to stab you in the eye..

... has become my new favourite catchphrase. Much like myself it is both charming and witty.

Observe:

Nic: I don't like McFly

Me: I'm going to stab you in the eye

Step Dad: You are downloading too much and it's making us go over the BT limit which is costing us money

Me: I'm going to stab you in the eye

Coffee Barrista: I'm afraid this coupon for a free coffee expired two days ago

Me: I'm going to stab you in the eye

Police Officer: You have to stop threatening people with violence or there will charges brought against you. In particular, the young lady that works in Costa's is considering sueing you for damages.

Me: I'm going to stab you in the eye

See, it works in a number of different situations and has the added bonus of making you appear to be some sort of modern day Oscar Wilde with a gift for snappy putdowns. Doesnt it? (It does).

Who woulda thought

Yesterday I had an hour to kill (in a surprising turn of events due to my life normally being the dictionary definition of hustle and bustle, she lied) so decided to order a large latte in Costa coffee. It turned out to be the size of an 8 month old babies head. It was spigging HUGE. Despite the visual I had that I was now actually drinking brains from a baby skull it didnt stop me finishing said latte and contiuing upon my merry way.

Later that evening I went and saw a ska (pfft) band at the Astoria. This being the year of not turning down any oppotunity to try something new I reluctantly agreed to go and guess what? I actually enjoyed myself

There. I said it. It helped that they were actually some kind of 'wacky' (yes I used the term wacky) covers band that did a fine line in between songs banter 'Thanks for clapping, you guys are so great. I wish I could quit you!'. I didnt really understand why they dressed as cowboys for the show and then as accountants-on-vacation (think toned down Toadfish leisure wear) for the encore. I'm assured it was all part of their 'schtick'. If thats the case then I'll go with it, I've actually lost count at how many things I've claimed are part of my 'schtick' or are my 'mission statement' now.

A frightening vision of the future

Do you know what the best thing about my job is? No, neither do I. Wait.. hold on.. I had it there for a second.. no sorry, that was just indigestion. Easy mistake to make.

ba-da-boom-tish

But seriously folks.

I done a IQ test today. It said I was 95 (which translates as 'a bit think innit'). Apparently I am below average on maths and logic (no real surprise there) but GENIUS on verbal intelligence. It's funny but despite the fact that I delude myself into thinking I am extremely witty and urbane and charming, you know - the sort of person that has a delightful way with words, I can't help but deep-down-know that anyone who has ever met me ever would not believe I could be genius level at anything.

Even more so when you consider I am related to my mother (surprisingly) who rang me today for a classic Mama-and-Sazz conversation:

Mum: What adverts have I seen that I like?

Me: Erm.. hello

Mum: Quickly!

Me: ...

Mum: Come on!

Me: Well if you don't know I'm not sure how I will. Anyway, with Sky plus we don't really see adverts anymore, just whizz through them

[With the accompanying cry of '30! 30! 30!' (the speed at which the fast-forwarding is fastest) from whomever else is in the room at the same time. Of course thats not annoying. Especially when its done on every single commercial break. No really, it is delightful and charming]

Mum: Oh yeah.

Me: I liked the latest 118 ad with the A-Team theme and mini-Mr T

Mum: I havent seen that one

Me: ...

Mum: ...

Me: Why do you want to know what your favourite advert of the moment is anyway?

Mum: [Ignoring me] What is that tv show with Dennis Waterman and Amanda Redman called?

Me: Don't do the voice

Mum: What the 'feem toon' voice. Ha.

Me: It makes you seem like Judy from Richard and Judy fame. She is a legend, I'll grant you that, but probably not for any of the reasons you would want to be a legend.

Mum: Such as..

Me: Well, both of them are bumbling idiots really. They always say the wrong thing at the worng time and try to be 'funny' and 'cute' but come off as 'weird' and 'uncomfortable'. That's why people watch the show, not because they actually like them.

Mum: I don't watch it

Me: Thats not really the point is it?

Mum: What is the point then?

Me: I really don't know anymore.

Mum: Oh yeah, New Tricks. Anyway I've got to go to a meeting. Slaters.

*click*

*sound of someone quietly weeping that this is actually their future*

Sazz enjoys the Bank Holiday and practises sighing elaborately

11:06 - 'Better get up' Sazz thought. 'That glorious sunshine isn't going to be around all day'.

12:43 - 'What a beautiful day', Sazz noted to herself merrily as she turned back to the TV to continue watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

13:56 - 'It looks lovely and warm out there' she said, whilst organising the shoes in her closet (one of her favouriest things to do as it combined both her obsessive complusive nature with her love of looking at pretty things - in this case, footware).

14:30 - Sazz realised she was still wearing a pair of shoes from earlier just because she liked the way they went with her outfit. She realised that being in the house alone probably wasn't the best venue to show them off if only she could see them.

14:59 - Sazz reluctunatly removes the shoes.

15:02 - But takes a picture first.

16:06 - Afternoon nap

17:40 - Sazz goes over the last week she has lived in her head and sighs elaborately. Looks out of window, again, taking in the full splendor of the sunshine. Turns back to computer screen to have various important and life changing MSN conversations; including, how Batman and Robin would make rubbish friends in real life (Batman is vain, Robin is lazy and a bad dresser).

18:17 - Dinner. If ice cream wafers and dairylea count as 'dinner' these days.

18:57 - After dinner nap

20:01 - Sazz takes stock of life to figure out where it's all going wrong. Decides that sounds too much like hard work. Blogs and plays Burnout instead.

And that people, is what Bank Holiday's are all about. Having the time to do the things you normally don't have time to do.