I'm ok being unimpressive, I sleep better that way

I'm off to Californ-i-a tomorrow! 'w00t' or 'book' as the trendy youngsters are saying nowadays.

I shall be spending a week in San Francisco where I lived for a bit when I was little. The only thing I can remember is being in an earthquake, which quite literally rocked. HAHAHA! do you see what I did there? Sometimes I surprise even myself with my comedy skills!

Ahem.

Then I'll be moving on to L.A. where I expect Zach Braff will see me buying a tall skinny Chai Tea Latte in Starbucks and ask me to move in with him. Maybe.Of course, my time in L.A. will give me a chance to recruit some of the contestants for Kes's Celebrity Crushes gameshow (where her celeb crushes have to battle it out each week to win her affections). It's in the pre-preprodcution stages at the mo but I'm fairly certain it's going to be a big hit. You may be wondering why it's not Sazz's Celebrity Crushes. 'Why isn't going to be Sazz's Celeb Crushes' I hear you cry. Well I'm, quite frankly, not as likeable as Kes. Perhaps she can draw the viewers in for the first season and then once they're hooked we will hit them with me in the second season. I need to think about this a bit more.

Then, its off to Noo York where I will eat Bagels and embarrass myself and the people I am with by talking in a bad NY accent and throwing as much Yiddish as I know into the conversation (which mostly consists of 'schmuck' and 'mensch' and err... ). I'm sure to fit right in.

Anyhoo, that's a long and boring way of saying I won't be here for a while. TRY NOT TO CRY WITHOUT ME. I have to pack now. Wish me luck, a couple of days spent in Cardiff and a weekend in Amsterdam recently required full suitcases on both occasions. How am I going to restain myself to not take my whole wardrobe for 3 weeks spent away? I don't think a career as a travelling minstrel would last very long as I would have to employ a multitude of lackeys to carry all my stuff around, the overheads would get too big and the whole project would be doomed from the get-go. At least that means I can cross another potential career off the list. Now it's down to 63. Hoorah!

Yin and Yang

Why I Am Rubbish:

1. I can't cut onions. Literally, it's not that they make me cry or anything sappy it's just that I physically cannot cut them up in a satisfactory way (even though I've been cookin' like a pro since the age of 12).

2. I have weird sneezes that sound like a cat (although some people seem to find this endering).

3. I have to make a thousand to-do lists everyday because I forget stuff so easily.

4. I lose contact with friends as regularly as some people have showers.

5. I am clumsy to the point of incompetance and embarrass myself on a daily basis.

Why I Rock:

1. I can talk to anyone and find common ground. For instance, a random man in a random pub in Cardiff who happened to randomly comment that Sister Act 2 was his favourite film. Who else but me would wholeheartedly concur that it is brilliant?

2. I have a rotation of 'shower songs'. Today's song is 'Shout' by Lulu.

3. I fall in love at least two times a day for reasons such as 'he had customised his shoes with felt lovehearts'

4. Babies stare at my face constantly and consistantly wherever I go. I'm not entirely sure that it's a good thing (and it kind of freaks me out) but I do enjoy being this century's version of the Pied Piper (not the 'Lovin' it lovin' it lovin' it' DJ Pied Piper. The fairytale Pied Piper).

5. I have a life B-Plan in case this one falls through for whatever reason (e.g. I become embroiled in a Russian spy plot or something). It involes me changing my name to Doris Kapowlski and moving to Chicago to be a sassy diner waitress.

I think this is conclusive proof that the universe naturally balances itself to make sure I (and everyone else) never tip the scales of rubbishness and rockingness too far in either direction. Otherwise there would be chaos and anarchy, and who wants that? Except for anarchists.

I have no idea what to put as a title

Why do I like so many movies?! I'm trying to update my blog so that I write a bit about all the stuff I like and have reached the conclusion that I like too much stuff. Why can't I be more like Jordan or Jodie Marsh? They just like exposing themselves.

I am becoming quite adept at what my brother calls 'amber gambling' (when you go through traffic lights when it is still amber). Howver, his assertion that 'an amber gambler never loses' surely is wrong on two levels; firstly, if you never lose then it's NOT gambling, and secondly, what about when the police catch you and throw you in prison never to be seen again? I would take that as losing. Something for you all to think about there.

badda-bing

And the three spin offs from Happy Days are...

*trumpet intro*

1. Jonie Loves Chachi

2. Laverne and Shirley

3. Mork and Mindy

No-one believes me about the third one but I have since verified it on tinternet so KNOW IT BE TRUE!

I have literally done N-O-T-H-I-N-G today. My biggest acheivement was making it all the way to the newsagents to buy Heat. When you consider that to be an acheievement it is time to start reassessing your life. However, this week they published the results of their 'Weird Celebrity Crushes' poll and my super-secret-I-love-him-but-I-don't-know-why crush is at numero uno... Mr Richard Hammond. Finding that I'm not the only one embroiled in a so-wrong-but-it-feels-so-right love affair with the little sacastic man was worth the £1.55 Heat fee alone.

Go team me.

Happy Days spin offs

I have spent the last few days in sunny Cardiff. It was tres groovy 'cept for Saturday night when it became Hen and Stag night central. If I never see another overweight woman baring as much white flesh as current laws will allow (i.e. a LOT) while snogging a man wearing a Ben Sherman shirt and sporting a wispy moustache it will be too soon.

I think I live quite a sheltered indie-kid life. Portsmouth isn't exactly superbuff hotties cool dude central but if you know where to go and resolutely stick to those places then you don't have to experience the terrors of the townie/chav existance.

On the up side I got to see places where Doctor Who was filmed

Me: 'Oh yeah, I remember that bit! That's the church they were in the episode where Rose saved her Dad's life!'

'Oh yeah, that's where the rift opened up and they caught the last Slitheen!'

'Oh yeah, thats the department store where Rose worked! Cool!'

Kes: 'Is this the grand Doctor Who tour or something? I don't remember signing up to that'

On my return I found out that I am da shizzle when it comes to sitcoms. For anyone that wants to know what the 3 spin-offs from Happy Days are tune in tomorow but one of them is NOT Charles in Charge as Kes thought.

That is all.

Why I love children

Today was my last official day working as an art technician in a secondary school. We took all the Year 7's and 8's on a trip to the Natural History Museum and saw (amongst other things) the earth works, the insectorium, the human biology exibit and the dinosaur display. When I asked my group what their favourite part of the day had been most of them answered 'lunch' and a few rare souls replied 'the gift shop'. Kids are awesome.

When I got home my brother had organised a 'parade' in my honour. This consisted of him holding a piece of A4 paper that read 'Go' and another piece of A4 paper that read 'Saz'. He then 'do-do-doo-ed' a song for me. That too was awesome.

Maybe the world doesn't suck as hard as my misanthropic outlook would have me believe.

Goons

Went out for lunch with my brother today. We ran some errands and a couple of hours later got back home and discovered we had been wearing the same belt. We must have looked like goons. I'm never showing my face outside again. Seriously, thats a heinous fashion crime...

The World: 'Why have you two got the same belt on?'

Us: 'Well, a while ago we ended up buying the same belt cos we both liked the belt. We bought the belt in seperate shopping excursions from each other. It wasn't a conscious desicion, and it just so happened that today we were both wearing outfits that went with this belt'

The World: 'You look like idiots'

Us: '...'

Good grief.

Life Lessons

Another day, another life lesson learned from TV's 'Judging Amy'. In case you're interested Lesson #563 was that you can't always judge (ha!) a book by its cover. Wait, isn't that the same as Lesson 's #1 through #562? I'd also take issue with that particular cliché as I've read many books over the years that I have loved purely on the strength of how awesome their cover is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it Amy. If indeed that is your real name.

I also spent an hour or two pondering who is the world's greatest TV crime solver? I eventually settled on Mark Sloan in Diagnosis Murder but it was a close run thing between him and the no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners gardening duo that is Rosemary and Thyme.

I think I need a job.

Live 8

When my future children ask me 'where were you for Live 8 mummy?' I will be able to answer with dignity; 'At home with a bad cold, a tub of low-fat mint choc chip ice cream and nothing but repeats of Sabrina the Teenage Witch to keep me company. Yes my children it truly WAS a historic occasion in my life.' They'll look at me with bright, shining eyes and I will know that once again I have exceeded myself in making them proud.