Do all families have conversations like this?

Papa Mikey: Why does you're mum keep saying the top she's wearing is saucy?

Me: Cos it's so low cut fool.

Papa Mikey: But she's always got her baps out.

Me: No she doesn't!

Papa Mikey: Oh yeah, wait. That's you.

[Whilst watching Britain's Next Top Model: Bitchy girls bitching = TV Gold]

Papa Mikey: The one at the front is definately the prettiest

Me: No way! If you ignore her mingy skin then its the one in green at the back

Papa Mikey: Wrong. Ask a hundred men what they reckon and they'd all think that one was an uggo.

Me: I don't care what a hundred men think. About anything. The one in green is the prettiest by far. My science is too tight, you can't argue with that.

Papa Mikey: Your science is as loose as a goose and your logic is flawed

Me: How dare you. If there's one thing I'm known for it's that my logic is ALWAYS FLAW LESS.

Papa Mikey: Yeah you haven't got a 'floor' to stand on. Lol lol lol lol lol lol.

Me: That doesn't make any sense

Papa Mikey: Or does it?

Me: No.

Me: Oh eight hundred double oh. Ten sixty six [This is the Hastings Insurance jingle. My Brother and I are constantly trying to get the other one singing it all day. It's something I like to call 'Battle of the Earworm']

Brother: I'm going to get off the train here and lollerskate my way home.

A new low

You know how when I say 'there's this amazing show about a teenage girl detective' or 'there's this amazing show about a teenage girl and her mum who got pregnant at 16' and immediately you switch off because those descriptions bring to mind the sort of programme that you imagine to be as if Hello Kitty puked up a television script? Yes? Right? Ok well, let me tell you about the worst show on TV. It's called '7th Heaven'. It's about a preacher, his wife and their seven children (DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?). All the conclusions you just came to about how dreadful this programme is? They are correct.

I'm obsessed with it. I've never seen something that is so consistantly bad. The acting = diabolical, the plots = laughable, the preaching (I know it's a show about a preacher but COME ON!) = insulting... e.g. if you have sex before marriage then you will (no ifs or buts about it) end up pregnant or riddled with 'STDs' and ruin your life forever and ever amen; women should always bow to their husbands demands - but then women aren't intelligent enough to think for themselves anyway; if you don't think you can look after you're child because you're too young and naive to do so then so the fuck what? Nothing is as sinful as giving that child up for adoption and possibly allowing the child a chance at a better start in life; Doctor's should never ever ever tell a patient how long they think s/he has to live - only God has that information... etc etc ad infinitum. It's like, you know how George Bush is the worst example of stupid and lazy Republicans? Well, imagine they created a show populated by characters entirely like that. One dimensional and unable to deliver a sentence without looking slightly confused at words over a three syllable limit. I am morbidly fascinated with this programme. And then I feel gut wrenchingly sad that it's about to enter it's eleventh 'season' and regularly gets 12 million plus viewers. I can't imagine that they are all like me and watch it cos they hate it. Sad, sad, sad.


Reasons not to be sad:
- I got a new laptop. With like, bundles of memory and a CD/DVD Burner drive and like, sooper smart sharp screen and wireless built in and-intel-something-cool processor and all that shit. Only problems so far: I JUST THIS SECOND worked out where the Caps Lock is. I've been using THE SHIFT KEY UP TILL NOW. So I appologise for the EXCESSIVE USE OF CAPS. IM JUST EXCITED OK? Still havent worked out how to get sound. I know sound is theorectically possible but is proving to be, thus far, elusive.
- I'm going on a road trip tomorrow with my*snaps fingers* homegiiiirl Charlotte.
- I now have leopard print leggings, cardigan, bag and shoes. The transition to Pat Butcher-dom is nearly complete.

What the bloggers blog

From the team at MSN Live Spaces homepage:

Who apparently think that we all blog about about kidnapping small dogs with boggy eyes.

I have two new catchphrases:

1. 'What's the haps?'
Translation: Hello. What is going on with you my dear friend? (the last part is implied)

2. 'My science is too tight.'
Translation: My logic is flawless and thus you will never succeed at beating my argument.

I like them because I can pretend to be living in Connecticut in 1997 which is, approximately, the last time either of those phrases were used by a living human.

I went to see Harsh Times tonight with Freddy Rodriguez and Christian Bale tonight. The end scene caused me to hide inside my hood and then cry a little. I knew I should have fought harder to go see 'John Tucker Must Die'.

Too much free time

... has meant I've ended up watching four hours of Freddie Prince Jr's new sitcom 'Freddie' and nearly six hours of 'Kings of Queens' in the last two days. I make myself sick. Especially as half of that time was watching THE SAME episodes that had been repeated ON THE SAME DAY. Yes.

On the plus side I did get round to putting some bleach down my shower and toilet. It was a job that took like 56 seconds in total but I felt an enormous sense of achievement afterwards so I went and bought a Sufjan Stevens record 'A Sun Came' as a reward.

I think that its time for another haiku or three:

Sitcoms are my life
Which makes my life quite tragic
I need a hobby

Sebastian Bach
Plays Gil in the Gilmore Girls
His hair is quite big

I bought orange shoes
They make me even cooler
But hurt my feet bad

Sadpanda gets inspired

Sunday's spent reading the paper and music magazines whilst watching a barrage of bad sitcoms is the best sort of Sunday of all. Until you look back and think 'Did I really just squander 3 hours today glued to a show starring Freddie Prince Jr and that one out of Beverly Hills 90210? Maybe I need a hobby.' But of course that would cut into my 'watching bad sitcom' time and I'm not sure I could give that up.

My brother has moved back to Manchester today. This made me a sadpanda. Especially as he managed to take my Nintendo DS with him. I'm not sure what I'm going to mourn the loss of more... I'm joking of course. It'll be the DS. Although I will also miss his new addiction to making bad puns. All thanks to Dr Kawashima who had the GENIUS tip of puns being a good way to 'train your brain' (TRAIN YOUR BRAIN IN WHAT DR KAWASHIMA?!?! TRAIN. YOUR. BRAIN. IN. WHAT?)

e.g:

Me (to mum): You're hair looks big.

Mum: I shouted for you to come do my hair and you didnt reply.

Me: Well you can use my GHD's even if I'm not there.

Mum: I did use them.

Me: Riiight... [Please Note: I sometimes think my mother and I communicate by having two separate conversations that don't exactly relate to each other but still manage to mean we take turns in talking so that it at least appears we know what the other person is on about]

Brother: I'm glad we got all that straightened out. Sorry, that wasn't very punny.

Me: Jesus wept.

Yes. That sort of high brow humour is going to be sadly missed.

Thankyou for the mixtape suggestions. In particular whoever reccommended that tinymixtape link - it's awesome. Any site that has someone requesting 'Songs for the imaginary life I want to spend on a porch, in the woods, near a lake, off a dirt road, reading and writing and playing music with a boy who is in love with someone else' is the sort of thing that makes me realise why I'm glad the internet exists. (I'm not joking)

So far I've settled on two motifs:

1. The 'Friends Mix' idea from Stephen. Very timely as I'll be moving back to The Ford soon so it'll be nice to have something that I can listen to when I'm homesick. And it means I can include some Neil Diamond, Chaz'n'Dave and Charles Aznavour. That's going to be one freakin sweet mixtape right there

2. The Soundtrack to My Life if I made a Movie that was Loosely Based on my Life. Which would start off with 'Cannonball' by Breeders and have to include Supergrass 'Caught By The Fuzz' and Jane's Addiction 'Been Caught Stealing'. That makes it sound like I've lead the life of some sort of delinquent, which I most definately haven't (unless anyone who's closest brush with the law is the time their friend threw up on a policeman's shoe can ever really be considered a delinquent. Which I don't think they can). Those songs would be more scene setters than the lyrics having anything to do with what was going on in the scenes per se.

I also like Michael's idea of 'Mornings' as that could have a Side A - 'Snoozy'/Side B - 'Up and At 'Em Baby' theme. For the days when I can laze in bed and enjoy being snuggled under my duvet and conversely for the days when I need to be awake and alert and ready and don't neccessarily want to injest three litres of coffee to do it.

Oh man, I love making mixtapes.

One Stupid Car owned by one Stupid Girl

The back box on my car exhaust is broken and about to fall off. This is making my ladylike lil Ka sound like a rood-boy-get-up-punked-out-ghetto-style vehicle. It doesn't really suit me.

I wana make a mixtape but need a theme and can't think of one. Please give me ideas/inspiration etc. I'm sadly lacking in both at present.

Don't bust my chops

Umm... What happened to my blog? MSNGod has been playing silly buggers and made it look all different to my eyes without my expressed permission.

MSNGod is going to pay. Oh he'll pay. Somehow. I don't know how.

I'm technically unemployed now. It's awesome. Against all expectations and indeed, going contrary to every fibre in my being, I have actually been doing something with my time that doesn't involve watching J.Lo and early 90's romcoms on the movie channels. This has meant I got a TAN. When I say 'tan' I mean I have been collecting freckles at an alarming rate and am slightly less alabaster white than usual. Still, for me, this can be considered an achievement. Normally I stay as white as white can be due to my prediciltation for spending warm summer days indoors and the fact that my half-Irish blood finds sunlight to be toxic. The only thing is, I'm bored of wearing summer clothes now. I want to buy a new coat and be able to wear snazzy slacks without boiling myself to death. I can't even successfully commit to a season without wanting what I can't have. No wonder I'm so bad at relationships with real live people.

In a surprising turn of events my black dog has decided to hate me less and I think a truce has been called in the war she was waging. We have bonded over the hamster we are looking after for a friend while she's on holidays. Together we sit and stare into the cage waiting to catch a glimpse of this, so far, elusive creature. Apparently it's called 'Lulu' but I've decide to call her 'Miss Barry'. Miss Barry does not want to be seen. I have yet to be convinced that she's not a Sabrina hamster that can disappear and reappear on demand. Why does Miss Barry not want me to see her? What is she hiding? Black dog and I have been discussing this night after night for the past week trying to figure it out. We havent reached any conclusions yet. Mostly due to the fact that we don't speak the same language and, as neither of us is a hamster, it's difficult to get an insight into the hamster mind.