I've been practising hard today for the impending dance off between me, Farr and Wah on New Year's Eve. My Mick Jagger-by-way-of-Vince-Noir impersination is going ok but I'm still a little rusty on the old 'Robot from 1984' move. I'll keep everyone posted of the dance-off results but feel quietly confident that I'm in with a chance of scooping the 'Dance Champion of 2005' title. Wish me luck!
WORST...
So what's it going to be like in 2006? Well I feel fairly confident to inform you (not being an official prophet but blessed with 'the gift') that we are all going to live in space. The space world we inhabit will have tubes that you are able travel to any part of the space kingdom through. Everyone will have a robot maid. Everyone will have a family comprising of a Dad, Mum, and two children - an eldest daughter who is obviously very slutty and a younger son who is nerdy and will probably grow up to be a homosexual. No-one in said family unit will discuss this. The Dad will work at a large factory/company probably called something like Spacely's Sprokets and will have an embarrassing misunderstanding that leads to hilarious consequences with his boss every week. The Mum will stay at home to 'look after the kids'. Everything will be done by robots and/or the touch of a button. The world in 2006 will, in many ways, resemble early-1960's America (pre-sexual revolution) including the politics and social hierachies. I know this becasue I saw it all in a dream. I may or may not have been watching The Jetsons before I had that dream but this is neither here nor there.
What I'm most excited about is that its only 9 years till the hoverboard is invented! Yay!
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*EDIT*
Best Present(s): Present = Sabrina the Teenage Witch magnet set (as courtesy of Chloe) and AN AWESOMLY AWESOMAZING PINK McFly clock. God bless Ebay.
Dear Lord (literally I suppose) its nearly Christmas. Went to get remaining presents last Saturday. I hate people. People in my way and not giving me the respect I so clearly deserve. DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM? Was patronised by shop assistants in Topshop. Gah. Sorry I didnt whip out my NUS card quickly enough. Gah. Although I mysteriously ended up spending 2/3's of the bill total on things for me. Happy Christmas Me! Screw the rest of my friends and family!
My brothers was home for 3 hours 46 mins before killing the beloved sandwich toaster. It seems living in the delightful area of Moss Side in Manchester has lead to enjoying in the sort of mindless destruction that kids these days are so famous for. Now, I'm not going to dwell on this too much but just in case you want to not have a broken sandwich toaster here's some tips to ensure it stays intact:
1. Don't cut two slices of bread 1" thick a piece
2. Don't use brute force to close the sandwich toaster lid thereby breaking off the handle
They probably should print out instructions of this type onto the sandwich toaster itself. It's hard enough deciding what delicious toastie filling you want let alone remembering not to break the machine!
Now theres been a lot of heresay, nay conjecture about what my resolution will be for 2006. Lest we forget what past resolutions have yielded heres a brief overview...
2003 = Earn as many cool points as Fonzy
Result = Without checking the official 2003 records I believed I scored a total of 79 cool points which is classed as a fail as Fonzy has the ultimate perfect 100 points which can never be exceeded so even if you earn in excess of 100 points they are as useless as a burberry cap in the world of cool (as people who follow the cool points system know only too well).
For those who are interested, the stats break down as thus:
Total Number of Cool Points Earned = 721
Total Number of Cool Points Lost = 642
Most cool points earned in one go = 23 for coming up with the alias 'Cherry Datsun' of imaginary band 'The Triumphs'.
Most cool points lost in one go = 56 for laughing at a video of someone falling over on You've Been Framed.
If anyone has more questions about cool points please write a letter to your local palimentary representative. They should be able to answer any pressing queries you may have.
2004 = Attempt to 'turn' Will Young.
Result = Fail
However, probably about as achievable as resolving to get fit/lose weight/stop being an arse that most people go for.
2005 = Be classier. When in awkward social situations ask myself 'What Would Audrey [Hepburn] do?'
Result = Pass (with honours)
Well my name is 'lady' Sazz. That probably wasn't the hardest of resolutions to stick to. However, certain sub-resolutions to achieve said classiness such as 'wear matching bra and pants at all times' was a fail (who the hell was I kidding) and 'not drink to puking standards' was a general pass although there was an incident involving The Ford, 3 bottles of wine, a door and a plastic bag that I may erase from the official 2005 records.
But what will I decide for 2006? I mean there is a certain level of perfection associated with being me. It's difficult coming up with an area of myself that needs any sort of improvement. Maybe the resolution for 2006 should be to fuck myself up as much as possible in order to have something to work on for 2007? Although that seems somewhat self-defeating in many ways. Hmm... back to the drawing board! as my mama used to say. But then, she's an architect so that made sense. I dont even OWN a drawing board to go back to.
None of that last paragraph is true. Even the bit about owning a drawing board. I had one for art school, still around here somewhere.
This comment comes courtesy of one of the contestants on Channel 4's televisual show; 'Space Cadets'. Now, there's making a bold claim and there's making a bold claim. Having spent a FULL DAY at Chessington World of Adventures, aged 14, on a school trip, I think that this claim is a little too bold. Even for me.
Space Cadets - What a hulabaloo. At first I didn't really give a rats ass about it. Ooh... you're tricking people... thats... well... meh. But then I thought. 'I like the word hulabaloo, who's to say I won't like a show thats caused a hulabaloo?'
Then I started singing 'My Humps' by Black Eyed Peas in my head and punched myself in the face repeatedly to try and drown out the noise. It worked. For about five minutes. And now I've started singing it again... excuse me one second...
I'm back and my nose is bleeding. But thats neither here nor there.
So anyway, SPACE CADETS. Yeah... I think the reason I didn't want to watch this show was due to the fact that if I were a contestant (although I never would be. I think they advertised for 'thrill seekers', the 'thrills' I 'seek' are rarely more than three feet away from the sofa.. well maybe twenty feet - I sometimes make it as far as the toaster) I know I would be one of the munters that gets sucked in by it. This is down to two main factors:
a) I'm very gullible, and
b) I'm not very bright
However, I felt better when reading about the show as the producers said that gullible people are ususally very intelligent but just creative and imaginative. Throw in super-humanly cool and thats so totally me. I went around with an ever so slightly smug supercilious grin for about five days believing that all these years when I thought I was just a dumbass falling for all the ridiculous things people have told me that I'm ACTUALLY very intelligent and creative and imaginative. In your face teh Brother! That was until one of the contestants said this...
"Space is like Chessington World of Adventures times 10,000!"
Cough.
Well, being a dumbass does have it's advantages. Mainly; people don't expect too much from you, and oftentimes speak very slowly and clearly so as to make sure you understand everything they say. I still don't listen when people tell me stuff I think is boring but it's nice to know you can ask people to repeat themselves 'cos it's not my fault, I'm just slow'.
I may be stupid but at least I'm upbeat. Most stupid people are. Well, you see them hugging each other alot. I assume that makes them upbeat?
Also.. One of the actors (the commander dude) has got a moustache! WHAT DID I TELL THEE! Moustaches are back back back.. I think they're in the Up/Hot section of Heat this week and I have it on good authority that next months edition of Vogue has a whole spread on moustaches and moustache-based accessories. Awesome.
If I had to choose between my life and making sure Joe Mangel never leaves Neighbours again... I honestly don't know what I'd do. Lets all hope for my sake that it never gets to that point. Although I can't think of any conceivable situation that would lead to that choice having to be made.
What's all this hulabaloo about NME making up their 50 greatest albums list? I don't particularly care but I do like using the word hulabaloo and havent had the oppotunity to do so for a while.
This week my favourite moustache belongs to... Chris from the band the We Are Scientists.
Congratulations Chris! A lovely giftbasket of fruit will be sent to your home courstey of Marks and Spencer and delivered to your door by the ever reliable UPS. Its an astounding victory for moustaches everywhere.
Really though.. when did moustaches become fashionable again? Not that I'm complaining.. it's like the world is over-run by men paying homage to Magnum P.I. which can only be a good thing. Obviously. The question I think we should all be asking ourselves is:
Is it going to be like the Pokemon craze for twenty-somethings?
If so, thats awesome.
Its been too long. Much too long. How I have missed the peach and white and yellow and greens backdrop. How I have yearned for yattering on about nothing in particular to a bunch of strangers. I think its slightly worrying that I've missed my blog but I've been traversing the country. Yes Sazz Land went on tour! Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star, taking in the sights and sounds of places as diverse as WEYBRIDGE ... and... BRIGHTON ... and MANCHESTER ..and... well that was it actually.
I am pleased to report that Weybridge is pigeon-free, the pigeons in Brighton kept themselves to themselves but the ones in Manchester! They attacked me approx. seventy-eight times (I counted - give or take). Evil pigeons with their grey feathers and pecky beaks and cold dead eyes. *shivers* Now I have to weigh up the pigeonosity of Manchester against the burly-scruffy-beardedness of the men. Its a tough one.
New catchphrase = 'have a day off!'. That has taken over 'you're having a tin bath aint ya?!' I love collecting new catchphrases. If any of my many, many readers have catchphrases they'd like to share (Nic) then feel free. My brother didn't dissappoint when in Manchester sticking to his ol faithful 'your mum' jokes.
I have a MySpace. I know, I know... how emo can one person get and still retain a shread of dignity? Well its a fine line I'm walking here but I think I'm JUST managing to stay on the side of righteousness.
The trouble with Children In Need - and any of these telethons - is that you have to sit through literally HOURS of literal shit to get to the stuff that holds any interest (for instance, Doctor Who specials and whatnot). Then, cos you have an extremely short attention span for people saying 'give me money' yaddayaddayadda 'Mosely Bridge Players raised £13.28' blah blah blah, you lose the will to carry on watching and give up during minute 6 of the show opening. Even with the Woganator presenting.
Now, I know it's all very worthy, etc, and so on, but JEEZ - can't they put all the bits people want to see on BBC1 and then have all the boring stoufe on one of the digital channels? Theres a BAZILLION different channels now. In fact the bizarro world-Me would love to watch Mary talking about how hard her life is and wacky Tim talking about how he raised £37.56 playing badmington in a Pudsey suit for 12 days straight while drinking sparkling mineral water, eating celery and gazing at her singed photo of Chris Moyles. Ahh Bizarro World Me - you are crazy!
I guess all I'm saying is: I don't like boring things. Is that so wrong? Don't answer that. It was rhetorical which in layman's terms means: I don't care what you think. Anyhoo, I was quite pleased with myself this week. My supervisor was off sick so I had to be all grown up and handle things ON MY OWN and managed to resist the very powerful urge to spend my days curled up on the floor in a little ball rocking gently backward and forward and laughing quietly, but manically, to myself when the pressure got too much. This, for me, is the sort of thing I call an achievement. My other main work-based achievement was to persuade my boss to start calling me 'Bunny' (as in the infamous 'Bunny Diamond P.I). We decided that, although someone with the nickname Bunny is unlikely to be taken seriously as a high-powered young go-getter; on the flip side you could never, in good conscience, yell at someone called Bunny so if anything goes wrong I'll be put in front of the firing line in the hope I'm too darn cute to get in trouble. Actually.. on second thoughts... I'm not sure if I'm getting the best deal out of this.
I love the new Old El Paso adverts. Have you seen them. The twunty dude is cooking for his girlfriends family and in each instance *sniggers*... he makes a right ol' cock of himself!! But everyone's happy cos he's cooked!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *wipes tear* *thinks about the adverts again* BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *makes little 'winding down after laughing loads' sigh*. *sniffs*. *feels embarrassed*.
I honestly do find them funny. Thats the worst thing. Whenever I hear a (admittedly vaguely racist) Mexican impersonation I can't help cracking up. It's just like all those Orange adverts at the cinema about, you know, turning off your mobiles so as not to ruin the film while at the same time advertising the latest and greatest deals from a phone company (DO YOU SEE ALANIS MORRISETTE?!?!?! THATS IRONY!!! NOT SHITE ABOUT TOO MANY SPOONS AND NO KNIFES!! Actually is it? Hang on... Irony is where the actual reality is opposite from the literal reality. I don't think that is irony. Never mind. Irony is confusing.) and you sort of know its wrong to find it funny but you can't help smirking anyway and then someone genuinely DOES laugh and you hate them because they've obviously got a rubbish sense of humour? Yeah, well, thats never happened to me! Hell no. But I've heard about it happening to a friend of a friend and.. yes.. well... *cough*
Ooh Don't Look Now is on. Donald's got a cracking moustache in this. What other films can I watch with moustaches (barring 70's porn)? I would quite like to throw a snazzy moustache-themed movie night. This may turn out to be an obsession to rival my Lindsey Lohan crush and my Joe Mangel worship. Only time will tell.
So, moustaches appear to be back in fashion. When did that happen? I must have missed that memo - I'm sure I would have remembered something like that as I would have gotten together a little parade of some sort or at least punched the air and yelled 'Yes!' as a character from an American advertisment for Ritallin might.
It's like the world is full of variously different shaped Magnum P.I's. Which can only be a good thing. The Selleck was probably one of my first genuine crushes. I'm sure every 8-year-old girl has had a love affair with a moustachioed rebel who wears Hawaiian shirts and likes to annoy English man-servents. Actually, if they did then those 'moustachioed rebels' would be in prison but you know what I mean. I hope.
Of course my fictious alias Bunny Diamond P.I. had a, well... some may say flirtatious relationship with 'The Magnum'. They were in fierce competition but, as many of you will know, there's a fine line between love and hate. She couldn't resist his car, he couldn't resist her high-waisted flared trousers. Of course this never happened in anywhere except my head. My head rocks - cheaper than a tv and with slightly better sound quality. Yay head!
I've updated my picture - I had to as I was starting to get a rep as the 'wacky hat' girl. Now... I did have a hat theory which i guess is now 'hat fact' about how if I started wearing an interesting hat people would start to know me as 'the girl who wears that weird hat' and then I would be famous throughout the land.The theory doesn't just apply to hats tho - oh no! Examples of people who are known for their odd characteristics in my town include: the woman with the awful curly fake blond hair that works in t'local shopping centre, or the white guy with the afro who is always at gigs, or the 'flip-flop gang' who always wear flip-flops no matter what the weather. The theory states that you will become more famous and popular and that it saves time on developing an actual personality. Why not try it yourself as Neil Buchanan might say. He's the one out of Art Attack innit?
I spent a lost weekend in Birmingham last week. It was awesome. Drank too much, made some drunken revelations that I probably should have kept quiet about. Went to a place called 'Moseley Dance Centre'. It seemed to be an old school hall and had plastic chairs lining the walls with a picnic table at the back selling cheap cans of Red Stripe - a lager that I'm fairly sure its also quite suitable as a drain unblocker. What I enjoyed more than the drain unblocking drink on sale was the eclectic clientele. Well-dressed 60-something year old Jamaican men dancing next to chav-ish types in football shirts stood next to grungers in Led Zeppelin tee's who were chatting up 16-year-olds in Lycra mini skirts. It was great. And once again I pulled off some pretty snazzy ironic dance moves. I also have added 'the running man' to my repertoire.
I then went on an epic Mordor style adventure to IKEA. Yes. IKEA. The nearest one to me is in Croydon which only took an hour to get to, however once in Croydon it took a further hour to reach said IKEA store. Me and road signs don't get on. I'm fairly sure they're controlled by the pigeons (who I have a long running feud with). Still, it was worth it... got a red cord chair (mmm cord) and various other cheap nicknack's. However, the one bit they missed in LOTR is the epic journey BACK home (well Mr Tolkein might have included it, if its somewhere near the back I probably got distracted. I have a very short attention span being part of the 'MTV generation' n all).
You'll have to check back here in one year to see if I've achieved all (or any) of these resolutions. Here is the best present I have received so far... A new tattoo. Awesome: Argh! Its my birthday on Sunday. I am drunk now. I feel a bit 'under the weather'. Uh-oh. I hate birthdays. I'm going to be 23 but I feel at least four years younger than that in my head. It's getting less and less acceptable to be as immature and goon-ish as I clearly am. Dagnamit. Still I guess it's time to make a list of things to do in the coming year:
Not bad going huh? It says something for the excitement levels in my life presently that when I get to the end of these various lotions and potions, and can legitimately throw them away, I get an emormous sense of well being.
This morning I listened to Moylsie as Nic had commented that he was surprised to find that Radio 1 even existed anymore. Suffice to say I will be sticking with the Wogan on for the time being. Chris Moyles makes me angry and, much like Bruce Banner, you won't like me when I'm angry.
What else, what else can I ramble on about to make you all jealous with my fun-filled rollercoaster ride of a life? Oh... I still haven't taken up knitting and I still havent made it be autumn. Watch this space.
Err.. yeah... sorry Nic, I could pretend that I am some amazing philosopher making a point on life with an existential/nihilist double whammy statement but that would be lies. All lies. Just looks like the text I pasted in didn't save. Ho-hum. I was impressed the amount of work you put in to discover what the 'Rock Cabana' reference was about but, in truth, it is the name of a man whose ID I had to revoke yesterday. I thought it was possibly the coolest name ON THE PLANET. Who would have thought that a kid given the name 'Rock' would grow up to be a middle manager in Ohio? Or maybe the professional wrestler decided that the career change to actor wasn't working out so got an Office Drone job instead? I don't think The Scorpion King did very well at the box office so I feel fairly confident that this is indeed the case.
I've found another way of procrastinating, writing post-it's that are essentially nonsense and posting them around people's desks so they'll think they've forgotten something very important. For example,
'Call NA 29th aug confirm meeting'
'Get JN arrange "discussion of tasks" by 30th aug. V Imp!!!'
I have to be careful not to let anyone see that it's me doing it but my plan is to say it's part of an integrated art installation if anyone does cotton on. I'm such a freakin legend. All this 'finding-ways-to-skive-work' lark is leaving very little time to actually DO some work. But it's too late to change my work ethic now. Unless anyone has a DeLorean to hand?
So I've been working, going to a couple of gigs, working, sleeping occasionally, going to work with a hangover and um... writing a sit-com. I had forgotten how much fun it is to go to work hungover. Though people in the office tend to get a bit suspicious if you refuse to take off your sunglasses inside the building. This is one of the useful things I have discovered so far through working here. Another useful thing being that if you walk all the way to the canteen for a cup of tea rather than the vending machine you get to waste at least 44 minutes (in total: 3 mins to walk there, 5 minutes to wait for tea to be made, 3 mins to walk back times-ed by 4) off your day. And... um... well that's it so far but I have only been here three weeks, I have this job for another year so there's still time to pick up more scintillating tips to improve the quality of my life.
I've also got a crush on the new barman of our local. I have already managed to embarrass myself at least a dozen times despite only seeing him for the first time the other night. I can't remember how or why I've managed to embarrass myself. I just know that its happened, call it a sixth sense. The last time I have woken up with a similar vauge sense of dread was after a debauched night I had 'enjoyed' on the last day of my second-year exams. I went on to have flashbacks that suggested I had invited two men back to my house and performed a tap (thats TAP, not a typo of lap) dance for them. It may be a while before I venture back into t'local. Someday I'm going to meet a man who finds my goonishness charming rather than just goonish. But probably not any time soon.
My wardrobe is so schizophrenic. For instance, today I am dressed in skater shorts, a mickey mouse tee-shirt and a hoodie (no trips to Bluewater Shopping Centre for me then) but I'm just as likely to wear a cocktail dress and heels to go shopping in Sainsbury’s. Sometimes I love my eclecticism and other times I loathe it. Most people seem to find a look that works for them and stick with it (whether it suits them or not) whereas I am always portraying a different character. All the times I have attempted to hone my wardrobe into one coherent whole, as opposed to a fractured mess of colours, patterns and styles, I have got bored with being the same and gone off in a totally different direction a couple of weeks later. Although, the same principle applies to pretty much everything I do, have done, and indeed am ever likely to do.
In other news, Luke and Lorelai are making some progress in their drawn out courtship on the Gilmore Girls. When you're more involved in tv relationships than your own love life it could be construed as time to start going out a bit more. Sadly I have no money to do such things, happily I start my new job as an office drone on Monday. Of course there are pro's and cons to this turn of development:
PRO - Having money
CON - Being an office drone.
Sigh.
