All too human

I've really lost all interest in work now. I actually get upset when I have something to do because it cuts into my time surfing the supercyberintrawebhighway. This isn't a good way to be if you are attempting to lead a fulfilling life. On the plus side my time spent on MSN has meant I've found my sitcom writing partner! Huzzah! (I'm not sure if he's aware that I'm being 100% serious in this plan but I am. Deathly deathly serious). There is a slight flaw in that I'm too frightened to actually send him any of my work. This is impeding the actual, you know, WRITING process. However we have worked out that:

- our office will have a coffee making machine (at my request)

- our office will have a smoothie making machine (at Danny's request)

- Our lead anecdote story on Jonathan Ross's talk show will be how Danny changed his middle name by deedpoll to 'Danger'. Rossy loves that sort of shit

- Thats it

Still it's steps in the right direction.

Finally, please rate the photo (courtesy of Mr Monk) on a scale of 1 - 10 of sassiness. I give it 8. I think a pipe would make it even sassier. Although anything that braves the streets wearing a red coat and pink shoes deserves some sort of sassiness medal. I have to say it's nice to know there are people in the world with even more time on their hands than me.

You are all wrong

I don't know why you are all lying to me but stop it. Stop it now. Sharkey and George did NOT exist. All these links and pictures and websites are all made up to trick me. I thought I had established this in the last post. I'm not sure if it's a sinister plot to make me question my very existance or just a hilarious prank that all these (seemingly) unrelated people are in on but let me tell you - The. Joke. Is. On. Y-O-U. I'm not falling for it. There have been times when I've innocently trusted all the stupid things people have told me because of my supreme gullibility charming naviety - but not this time, OH NO MY FRIENDS

*shakes fist at the universe*

There. That should learn you.

Now on to more pressing matters. Namely what WERE the greatest cartoons of all time? Dungeons and Dragons has to be up there with the best but I'm not sure if I watched it because I liked it or because it was on. I think, for my money the list would be as follows:

10. Alvin and the Chipmunks

9. Galaxy High

8.Around the World In 80 Days with Willy Fog

7. Teenage Mutant Hero Ninja Turtles

6. Inspector Gadget

5. Ducktails

4. Dogtanion

3. The Real Ghostbusters

2. The Raccoons

1. Rood Dog and the Dweebs

A fairly definitive list - I'm sure everyone has their own particular favourites that I haven't included there but we will have to agree to disagree in this instance. Isn't it weird how every generation thinks that their era of children's tele is the better than what 'kids have to put up with today'. In years to come there will be young adults fondly recalling the golden time when Teletubbies and Rugrats kept them entertained for days at a time. Although, if they have any sense of decency then Filmore will top any list you care to mention - it's a classic in the making.

The sentence that wants to make kill myself at the moment happens to be 'Is life a bit boring? Then have a "laugh" with this crazy selection of phone sounds!'

Not just because what then follows are the most irritating collection of noises ever created. This is a well-ploughed field of hatred in - not only the blogoshere - but pub discussions on pet hates, etc etc. I'm not going add anything to this now but its more the concept of someone's life being *THAT* dull that they could find some sort of fulfillment from a ring tone that sounds like a Catherine Tate character just makes me want to cry. Especially because I know people like that obviously exist.

Scott Baio Appreciation Society (Treasurer)

Things I have been pondering today

- Is Barry Scott real?

- Should I write to Adam Buxton having found his address?

- If Raspberry Beret is my third favourite song of all time then what is in the top two positions?

- Whether the Pussycat Dolls are actually transvestite hookers as appearences would suggest.

I recieved a chain email the other day about 'if you grew up in the 90's you'll remember all these' etc etc... and item 24 said about a cartoon called Sharkey and George. I have no recollection of this AT ALL. Why is everyone always going on about this show? (and by 'everyone' I mean 'one person once'). On further investigation it seems exactly like the sort of thing I would be enraptured by as it combines my love for all things aquatic with some crime-busting. You all know my opinions on crime-busting - and they are of a decidedly positive nature. So I've been forced into two conclusions

Either

1) It's some sort of elaborate practical joke played by nefarious shady characters upon my good self who are looking to undermine my confidence in the knowledge I posess of 1990's cartoons

or

2) A piece of classic pop-culture passed me by!

Neither of these senarios is particularly apealing to me but considering my whole state of being is based around superior pop culture knowledge then I'm going to have to assume the truth lies with option 1. But which of my mortal enemies is out to get me this time? I'm going to have put Bunny Diamond P.I. on the case.

I had the singlularly most awesome dream I've had in... ooh.. about two weeks last night. It didn't start off too well. I was staying in a house that had a colony of guinnea-pigs. But when I went to gaze upon these delightful animals I found that they were being kept behind a curtain on some bunk beds. Thie minute I pulled back the curtain a few of them made a run for it and when the rest realised they could escape they all just sort of poured themselves off the bed and into a nearby sewer. I felt bad but it wasnt exactly my fault. Bunk beds are not really regulation guinnea-pig homes. Plus, it sort of leaves open the possibility that some guinnea-pig superhero's would emerge at a later date, perhaps naming themselves after Italian Renaissance painters.

Small was driving me mad AGAIN on Big Cook Little Cook. He was taking the piss out of Big Cook Ben's hair which was apparently all 'messy' after he'd been swimming. I was shouting 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE SMALL HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR OWN SORRY EXCUSE FOR A SO-CALLED FUCKING HAIR 'STYLE'?!?' but he didn't seem to hear me. All he does is fanny about when Ben is making the food and then takes the piss out of him the rest of the time! I have no idea why he's still got a job at that cafe. Although, I don't expect he gets paid very much. They only have one customer a day and even then they dont even ask that customer what they want to eat! Today they served a Mermaid 'Mermaid Soup' which - even to me - seemed a little harsh. You wouldn't go to a cafe and then be pleasantly suprised when they offered you 'Human Soup' would you? Oh you would? My mistake.

Finally I feel I have to lay to rest the conjecture surrounding my 'personal trainer/poshness'. I dont have a personal trainer. I was supposed to have one 45 minute induction which has now been spread out over three sessions and I'm not sure when they'll stop... This is really annoying. The only explanation for this that I have been able to come up with is that I'm some sort of list for the exercisingly deficiant so they're getting a Government grant to give me all they help they can. As for the 'poshness' thing. I'm decidedly middle-class; I don't like it when people are rude or late, I read The Guardian, eat olives and drink red wine. No, I'm not Ice Cube brought up on the mean streets of Compton but neither I am Penelope Keith. Although sometimes I wish I were. She seems cool.

He makes examples of you and theres nowt you can say

I'm seriously tempted to join a club for Huey Lewis and the News fans on My (Emo) Space. And not in an ironic way either. What does this say about me? I'm not going to go too deeply into it as I don't think I'd like what conclusions I would be forced to draw. It wasn't an accident that Patrick Bateman was written as a fan of 'Hip to be Square' (Huey's third best song to my mind - correct me if I'm wrong) and we all know how that turned out... Well, kind of confusingly actually.

I don't like my gym trainer:

'You're doing really well!'

'Keep going! You're nearly there!'

'I'm really proud of you!'

No, no and no. Stop lying you smug bastard. I think it's the concept of someone being naturally enthused about exercise that confuses me the most. To my ears that just makes everything sound insincere. Someone being enthused about cheese and bread? Or Huey Lewis? Yes. You pass all the required tests. Let's be friends. All in all, I find it best to be distrustful of anyone that speaks with too many exclamation points in their voice.

Yay its Wednesday! That means less than half of the week to go before I can finally relax. All this being paid to discover the top ten Neighbours episode tittles and chatting on MSN work hard *really* takes it out of you.

By pure coincedence I've managed to collate the top ten Neighbours Episode titles:

10 - 4828: Gay It Isn't So

9 - 4644: Frisky Business

8 - 4535: A Stingray's Got My Baby

7 - 4834: Mister Mo Jangel

6 - 4775: Anglers Fear to Tread

5 - 4648: Man in the Ironic Mask

4 - 4819: Hey Mr Tambourine Sham

3 - 4823: Nude, Where’s My Jar?

2 - 4584: Boyds to Men

1 - 4826: Spiggin' Hufters

That reminds me - I hope Serena Bishop dies. Was I the only person that cheered when the bomb went off? Any step closer Serena is to death is an extra ounce of happiness I can attain. However, where did all the people that got on the plane at the start disappear to? Not after the crash but while onboard. Much like there being one classroom for a High School that (one presumes) has more than 37 pupils. WHERE DO THEY ALL GO?! Maybe theres an invisible monster like on Lost? That'd be cool.

Proof that love's not only blind but deaf

It's when you enter a train station and you haven't even reached the platform and you can already hear the drunken shouts of the people who are waiting to catch your train that your heart starts to sink a little. And so it was I found myself on Friday night. Of course that wasn't the best part of the train ride. No that came courtesy of the live sex show provided by the couple in the seat opposite me. I think I managed to give a good impression of someone reading their book and listening to their mp3 player instead of a person watching intently with morbid fascination and a disgusted look on their face. I think.

I want a hedgehog suit. Have you seen the new KFC advert? I still wouldnt touch fried chicken with a bargepole but there's a man wearing a hedgehog suit in it and I want it. I don't think that was the advertisers original intention but thats the end result.

OMFG!!!one!!!eleven!!!

Sabrina has had a bayby!!

[link courtesy of Pink Is the New Blog]

She looks weird in that picture though. It seems like her jowels are eating her chin. I know you get fatter when you are 'with child' but I didn't know about the chin disappearing thing. That's one more reason for Lady Sazz not to spawn. I like my chin too much.

There once was a man called Jim...

... oh wait. I meant 'Gym'. And if gym is a person I kind of hate him for existing but he has a nice pool area and the people that frequent him aren't as attractive as I thought they'd be.

The good thing about Gym is that I got to buy a new outfit and make a new mixtape. I'll do just about *anything* if I can buy a new outfit and make a new mixtape. I may be the only person alive who works out to Girls Aloud and RATM one after the other. I'm not saying thats good or bad... I'm just stating it as fact.

Sod this, I'm off for a pint.

Hello to you all.

My mum thinks John Simm played Martin Platt in Coronation Street. She annoys me sometimes. Especially when she won't shut the hellamatazz up about it and especially as I can kind of see where she's coming from. Gah.

Look at the panda. That is the single most awesome thing I've ever seen. I've discussed this at length with Teh Brother and we agree that he's is saying:

'So the fuck what? I'm a panda. Deal with it'

There's no arguing with that really is there?

I'm still having trouble not laughing at the Orange adverts in the cinema. Yes I KNOW! Its shameful. Its just when the little one says 'Look at his funny walk' in reference to John Cleese - I laugh. I know I shouldn't but I do. There appears there's really little to be done about this situation - barring cutting out my vocal cords with a rusty spoon. Even then... I'll probably still laugh, just silently. Don't worry, I still hate others who laugh - clearly they've had some sort of sense of humour bypass.

I've had to face up to a sad conclusion. I'm never going to be a ninja. My attempt to stab my brother with a teaspoon failed miserably as I couldn't stop laughing and he ambushed me first. As the General would say 'only losers lose'. Never a truer word spoken. He also said 'I like it when you die' in return to me saying my favourite Star Trek film was 'the whales one. I like whales'. The General gets grumpy when it comes to Star Trek.

Does anyone remember when Nickelodeon used to (still do?) have a 'watch your own weekend/week' thing and people ALWAYS voted for Sister Sister to win but as soon as Sabrini came along they voted for her instead? I just was wondering what happened to the Sister Sister twins. I think 'ROGER!' was in some sort of boy-band R'n'B group thing. And also, remember when the twins started fighting over who would date Roger? Like, one day they both thought he was a creepy next door neighbour guy and the next day they both wanted hot Roger action. It surprised me that Sister Sister didnt hold true to character development or plot continuity as it was such a well respected show.

I've been singing the theme tune from 'The Nanny' alternating with 'The Bartman' pretty much all evening.

Sometimes my awesomeness shocks even me.

I just saw Brokeback Mountain...

And the picture below kinda sums up the experience for me.

I'm trying to edit this place as best I can. I need to learn html and java and create my own website. gah. I'll write something funny soon, thats 100% guarenteed*

In the meantime I'll leave you with these thoughts:

- Preston has nice teeth and I like the way he walks but that does NOT make up for him being on 'Celabrity' Big Brother. Although it does mean I still love him.

- Richard Hammond's new tea time show does NOT live up to my expectations but that's not going to stop me getting audience tickets to see it with my mum. She helps me stalk men. This probably isnt good in the grand scheme of things.

- Joining a gym was the most cliched thing I could have done this month.

That is all.

*Please note: not guaranteed.

Riker has a heart and mind big enough to love all the women

This has nothing to do with the title, it's just something The General said and it made me laugh. Mostly because it is true.

However.

The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players are doing an advert for MTV 2006 shows. I can think of at least 78 things wrong with that but won't list them all here. You may all try and guess what I came up with if you so wish.

However, it did remind me how awesome Papa Trachtenburg's moustache is. There's something postive to be found in everything.

Its a new day, a new dawn, its a New Year and... its all pretty much the same as the last year actually

I've finally decided on my new years resolution!

Cue trumpet:

*PAH PA PAH PA PA PAH PAH PAH PARRRR*

and a drum roll please:

*DOOM DOOM BAH BA BAH BA DOOM DOOM DOOM BAH BA BOOM tish*

For 2006 Lady Sazz resolves not to let anyone out pop-culture reference her.

The way this will work is if someone makes an esoteric reference then I will counter with an interesting tidbit about whatever they have referenced. Actually, thinking about it, I might well lose friends and irritate people with this particular resolution as it's going to make me come across as arrogant and annoying but I needed something that wasn't too difficult to achieve yet I still had the possibility of failing at. Therefore, even if I end up lonely and bitter it will have been worth it.

I had the best new years eve! I saw a Rolling Stones tribute act and I cannot stress enough how spigging good they were. It has also given me a reason to be doing my Mick Jagger voice, much to the chagrin of my family:

Me: 'How all you cats dooo-ing? Ready to hear some rock n roll chooones?'

Family: 'Stop it. For the love of God. Please stop it'

Although, to be fair, thats something they say when I'm around quite often anyway. Need I remind regular viewers of the fact that people I live with for more than a week oftentimes end up trying to mute me with tv remote controls?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this before but Kate's mum in Lost is freakin Aunt Zelda!!! How spiggin awesome is that?

For 2006 my newest crush is David Krumholtz from Numb3rs (I even watched The Santa Clause 2 the other day because he's in it - it must be love) and I havent thought about her in a while but I saw a picture recently that reminded me of why I love Lindsey Lohan... and now I can't find it ANYWHERE. DAMN YOU INTERNET!