I've been practising hard today for the impending dance off between me, Farr and Wah on New Year's Eve. My Mick Jagger-by-way-of-Vince-Noir impersination is going ok but I'm still a little rusty on the old 'Robot from 1984' move. I'll keep everyone posted of the dance-off results but feel quietly confident that I'm in with a chance of scooping the 'Dance Champion of 2005' title. Wish me luck!
WORST...
So what's it going to be like in 2006? Well I feel fairly confident to inform you (not being an official prophet but blessed with 'the gift') that we are all going to live in space. The space world we inhabit will have tubes that you are able travel to any part of the space kingdom through. Everyone will have a robot maid. Everyone will have a family comprising of a Dad, Mum, and two children - an eldest daughter who is obviously very slutty and a younger son who is nerdy and will probably grow up to be a homosexual. No-one in said family unit will discuss this. The Dad will work at a large factory/company probably called something like Spacely's Sprokets and will have an embarrassing misunderstanding that leads to hilarious consequences with his boss every week. The Mum will stay at home to 'look after the kids'. Everything will be done by robots and/or the touch of a button. The world in 2006 will, in many ways, resemble early-1960's America (pre-sexual revolution) including the politics and social hierachies. I know this becasue I saw it all in a dream. I may or may not have been watching The Jetsons before I had that dream but this is neither here nor there.
What I'm most excited about is that its only 9 years till the hoverboard is invented! Yay!
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*EDIT*
Best Present(s): Present = Sabrina the Teenage Witch magnet set (as courtesy of Chloe) and AN AWESOMLY AWESOMAZING PINK McFly clock. God bless Ebay.
Dear Lord (literally I suppose) its nearly Christmas. Went to get remaining presents last Saturday. I hate people. People in my way and not giving me the respect I so clearly deserve. DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM? Was patronised by shop assistants in Topshop. Gah. Sorry I didnt whip out my NUS card quickly enough. Gah. Although I mysteriously ended up spending 2/3's of the bill total on things for me. Happy Christmas Me! Screw the rest of my friends and family!
My brothers was home for 3 hours 46 mins before killing the beloved sandwich toaster. It seems living in the delightful area of Moss Side in Manchester has lead to enjoying in the sort of mindless destruction that kids these days are so famous for. Now, I'm not going to dwell on this too much but just in case you want to not have a broken sandwich toaster here's some tips to ensure it stays intact:
1. Don't cut two slices of bread 1" thick a piece
2. Don't use brute force to close the sandwich toaster lid thereby breaking off the handle
They probably should print out instructions of this type onto the sandwich toaster itself. It's hard enough deciding what delicious toastie filling you want let alone remembering not to break the machine!
Now theres been a lot of heresay, nay conjecture about what my resolution will be for 2006. Lest we forget what past resolutions have yielded heres a brief overview...
2003 = Earn as many cool points as Fonzy
Result = Without checking the official 2003 records I believed I scored a total of 79 cool points which is classed as a fail as Fonzy has the ultimate perfect 100 points which can never be exceeded so even if you earn in excess of 100 points they are as useless as a burberry cap in the world of cool (as people who follow the cool points system know only too well).
For those who are interested, the stats break down as thus:
Total Number of Cool Points Earned = 721
Total Number of Cool Points Lost = 642
Most cool points earned in one go = 23 for coming up with the alias 'Cherry Datsun' of imaginary band 'The Triumphs'.
Most cool points lost in one go = 56 for laughing at a video of someone falling over on You've Been Framed.
If anyone has more questions about cool points please write a letter to your local palimentary representative. They should be able to answer any pressing queries you may have.
2004 = Attempt to 'turn' Will Young.
Result = Fail
However, probably about as achievable as resolving to get fit/lose weight/stop being an arse that most people go for.
2005 = Be classier. When in awkward social situations ask myself 'What Would Audrey [Hepburn] do?'
Result = Pass (with honours)
Well my name is 'lady' Sazz. That probably wasn't the hardest of resolutions to stick to. However, certain sub-resolutions to achieve said classiness such as 'wear matching bra and pants at all times' was a fail (who the hell was I kidding) and 'not drink to puking standards' was a general pass although there was an incident involving The Ford, 3 bottles of wine, a door and a plastic bag that I may erase from the official 2005 records.
But what will I decide for 2006? I mean there is a certain level of perfection associated with being me. It's difficult coming up with an area of myself that needs any sort of improvement. Maybe the resolution for 2006 should be to fuck myself up as much as possible in order to have something to work on for 2007? Although that seems somewhat self-defeating in many ways. Hmm... back to the drawing board! as my mama used to say. But then, she's an architect so that made sense. I dont even OWN a drawing board to go back to.
None of that last paragraph is true. Even the bit about owning a drawing board. I had one for art school, still around here somewhere.
This comment comes courtesy of one of the contestants on Channel 4's televisual show; 'Space Cadets'. Now, there's making a bold claim and there's making a bold claim. Having spent a FULL DAY at Chessington World of Adventures, aged 14, on a school trip, I think that this claim is a little too bold. Even for me.
Space Cadets - What a hulabaloo. At first I didn't really give a rats ass about it. Ooh... you're tricking people... thats... well... meh. But then I thought. 'I like the word hulabaloo, who's to say I won't like a show thats caused a hulabaloo?'
Then I started singing 'My Humps' by Black Eyed Peas in my head and punched myself in the face repeatedly to try and drown out the noise. It worked. For about five minutes. And now I've started singing it again... excuse me one second...
I'm back and my nose is bleeding. But thats neither here nor there.
So anyway, SPACE CADETS. Yeah... I think the reason I didn't want to watch this show was due to the fact that if I were a contestant (although I never would be. I think they advertised for 'thrill seekers', the 'thrills' I 'seek' are rarely more than three feet away from the sofa.. well maybe twenty feet - I sometimes make it as far as the toaster) I know I would be one of the munters that gets sucked in by it. This is down to two main factors:
a) I'm very gullible, and
b) I'm not very bright
However, I felt better when reading about the show as the producers said that gullible people are ususally very intelligent but just creative and imaginative. Throw in super-humanly cool and thats so totally me. I went around with an ever so slightly smug supercilious grin for about five days believing that all these years when I thought I was just a dumbass falling for all the ridiculous things people have told me that I'm ACTUALLY very intelligent and creative and imaginative. In your face teh Brother! That was until one of the contestants said this...
"Space is like Chessington World of Adventures times 10,000!"
Cough.
Well, being a dumbass does have it's advantages. Mainly; people don't expect too much from you, and oftentimes speak very slowly and clearly so as to make sure you understand everything they say. I still don't listen when people tell me stuff I think is boring but it's nice to know you can ask people to repeat themselves 'cos it's not my fault, I'm just slow'.
I may be stupid but at least I'm upbeat. Most stupid people are. Well, you see them hugging each other alot. I assume that makes them upbeat?
Also.. One of the actors (the commander dude) has got a moustache! WHAT DID I TELL THEE! Moustaches are back back back.. I think they're in the Up/Hot section of Heat this week and I have it on good authority that next months edition of Vogue has a whole spread on moustaches and moustache-based accessories. Awesome.
If I had to choose between my life and making sure Joe Mangel never leaves Neighbours again... I honestly don't know what I'd do. Lets all hope for my sake that it never gets to that point. Although I can't think of any conceivable situation that would lead to that choice having to be made.
What's all this hulabaloo about NME making up their 50 greatest albums list? I don't particularly care but I do like using the word hulabaloo and havent had the oppotunity to do so for a while.
This week my favourite moustache belongs to... Chris from the band the We Are Scientists.
Congratulations Chris! A lovely giftbasket of fruit will be sent to your home courstey of Marks and Spencer and delivered to your door by the ever reliable UPS. Its an astounding victory for moustaches everywhere.
Really though.. when did moustaches become fashionable again? Not that I'm complaining.. it's like the world is over-run by men paying homage to Magnum P.I. which can only be a good thing. Obviously. The question I think we should all be asking ourselves is:
Is it going to be like the Pokemon craze for twenty-somethings?
If so, thats awesome.
Its been too long. Much too long. How I have missed the peach and white and yellow and greens backdrop. How I have yearned for yattering on about nothing in particular to a bunch of strangers. I think its slightly worrying that I've missed my blog but I've been traversing the country. Yes Sazz Land went on tour! Field and fountain, moor and mountain following yonder star, taking in the sights and sounds of places as diverse as WEYBRIDGE ... and... BRIGHTON ... and MANCHESTER ..and... well that was it actually.
I am pleased to report that Weybridge is pigeon-free, the pigeons in Brighton kept themselves to themselves but the ones in Manchester! They attacked me approx. seventy-eight times (I counted - give or take). Evil pigeons with their grey feathers and pecky beaks and cold dead eyes. *shivers* Now I have to weigh up the pigeonosity of Manchester against the burly-scruffy-beardedness of the men. Its a tough one.
New catchphrase = 'have a day off!'. That has taken over 'you're having a tin bath aint ya?!' I love collecting new catchphrases. If any of my many, many readers have catchphrases they'd like to share (Nic) then feel free. My brother didn't dissappoint when in Manchester sticking to his ol faithful 'your mum' jokes.
I have a MySpace. I know, I know... how emo can one person get and still retain a shread of dignity? Well its a fine line I'm walking here but I think I'm JUST managing to stay on the side of righteousness.
