Dear Lord (literally I suppose) its nearly Christmas. Went to get remaining presents last Saturday. I hate people. People in my way and not giving me the respect I so clearly deserve. DONT THEY KNOW WHO I AM? Was patronised by shop assistants in Topshop. Gah. Sorry I didnt whip out my NUS card quickly enough. Gah. Although I mysteriously ended up spending 2/3's of the bill total on things for me. Happy Christmas Me! Screw the rest of my friends and family!
My brothers was home for 3 hours 46 mins before killing the beloved sandwich toaster. It seems living in the delightful area of Moss Side in Manchester has lead to enjoying in the sort of mindless destruction that kids these days are so famous for. Now, I'm not going to dwell on this too much but just in case you want to not have a broken sandwich toaster here's some tips to ensure it stays intact:
1. Don't cut two slices of bread 1" thick a piece
2. Don't use brute force to close the sandwich toaster lid thereby breaking off the handle
They probably should print out instructions of this type onto the sandwich toaster itself. It's hard enough deciding what delicious toastie filling you want let alone remembering not to break the machine!
Now theres been a lot of heresay, nay conjecture about what my resolution will be for 2006. Lest we forget what past resolutions have yielded heres a brief overview...
2003 = Earn as many cool points as Fonzy
Result = Without checking the official 2003 records I believed I scored a total of 79 cool points which is classed as a fail as Fonzy has the ultimate perfect 100 points which can never be exceeded so even if you earn in excess of 100 points they are as useless as a burberry cap in the world of cool (as people who follow the cool points system know only too well).
For those who are interested, the stats break down as thus:
Total Number of Cool Points Earned = 721
Total Number of Cool Points Lost = 642
Most cool points earned in one go = 23 for coming up with the alias 'Cherry Datsun' of imaginary band 'The Triumphs'.
Most cool points lost in one go = 56 for laughing at a video of someone falling over on You've Been Framed.
If anyone has more questions about cool points please write a letter to your local palimentary representative. They should be able to answer any pressing queries you may have.
2004 = Attempt to 'turn' Will Young.
Result = Fail
However, probably about as achievable as resolving to get fit/lose weight/stop being an arse that most people go for.
2005 = Be classier. When in awkward social situations ask myself 'What Would Audrey [Hepburn] do?'
Result = Pass (with honours)
Well my name is 'lady' Sazz. That probably wasn't the hardest of resolutions to stick to. However, certain sub-resolutions to achieve said classiness such as 'wear matching bra and pants at all times' was a fail (who the hell was I kidding) and 'not drink to puking standards' was a general pass although there was an incident involving The Ford, 3 bottles of wine, a door and a plastic bag that I may erase from the official 2005 records.
But what will I decide for 2006? I mean there is a certain level of perfection associated with being me. It's difficult coming up with an area of myself that needs any sort of improvement. Maybe the resolution for 2006 should be to fuck myself up as much as possible in order to have something to work on for 2007? Although that seems somewhat self-defeating in many ways. Hmm... back to the drawing board! as my mama used to say. But then, she's an architect so that made sense. I dont even OWN a drawing board to go back to.
None of that last paragraph is true. Even the bit about owning a drawing board. I had one for art school, still around here somewhere.
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